The Degree of Wandering
The Degree of Wandering
Question
I have complete trust in my spiritual father, because I know that he has reached the degree of wandering. Therefore, I love to obey him in everything. However, some of his advice sometimes does not give my conscience peace. What should I do?
Answer
First, I would like to commend your trust in your father of confession, and your love for obeying him. However, I will explain to you the degree of wandering so that you may know it.
The degree of wandering is applied to solitary monks who dwell in the inner wilderness. Decades may pass without one of them seeing the face of a human being…
This is clear from the story of the journey of Saint Anba Bane, in which he saw Saint Apa Nof the Wanderer, Saint Timothy the Wanderer, and other wanderers. The journey took about a month. If we know that a monk can walk six kilometers per hour, and if he walked between six and seven hours a day, he would have walked one hundred kilometers per day. If he traveled half or one-third of this distance, the journey of Saint Bane would have been about one thousand kilometers or one thousand five hundred kilometers, deep into the desert… And this certainly does not apply to your father of confession…
The second point is that many of the wanderers, or all of them, do not know where they are… And the saying of the Scripture applies to them: “wandering in deserts and mountains, and dens and caves of the earth” .
Consequently, the location of the wanderer is not known to people. Thus, decades would pass without them seeing anyone, and without anyone seeing them… until the Lord sends someone to discover them at the end of their days and write their history for people. As Anba Bane wrote the history of Apa Nof, as Anba Anthony wrote the history of Anba Paul, and as Father Zosima wrote the history of Saint Mary the Coptic Wanderer.
Saint Anba Paul spent eighty years without seeing the face of a human being. Saint Anba Karas spent sixty years without seeing the face of a human being…
Thus, the wanderers lived completely unknown throughout their lives…
They were not fathers of confession to anyone, and they did not meet anyone.
The wanderers lived a life of complete solitude. They did not converse with anyone, but were in complete silence, speaking only to God Himself, in a life of prayer and contemplation. And if, by chance, a monk discovered the location of one of them, they would undoubtedly change that location and go to another unknown place in the wilderness… Therefore, they are called wanderers, meaning that they wander through the deserts and mountains…
Thus, solitary monks near the known monasteries cannot be considered among the wanderers…
This is because their location is known to the monks of the monasteries, and some may visit them. They also go down to the monasteries to pray and receive Communion, and they mix with others throughout all of this. They obtain their needs of food, drink, and clothing from the monasteries. As for the wanderers, they live in severe asceticism. Some of them used to feed on the herbs of the mountain, or on a palm tree in the wilderness… And naturally, none of this applies to your father of confession…
Some characteristics of the wanderers appear in the following verses:
I am alone in the wilderness .:. I have no concern with others
I have a den in the crevices of the hill .:. I have hidden my den
And one day I shall depart from it .:. Dwelling where I do not know
Wandering, I cross the wilderness .:. From wilderness to wilderness
I have no monastery, for all .:. The wilderness and hills are my monastery
Nor a wall, so I shall not rest .:. Within the walls is my thought
(Continuing with the rest of that poem, which was published in the book The Departure of the Spirit).
We move to the next point, which concerns some of the advice of your father of confession that does not give your conscience peace… My advice to you is:
A- Do not do anything against your conscience.
B- You can discuss those matters with your father of confession.
Tell him with complete frankness: This matter troubles my conscience in such and such a way, and discuss it with him freely: either he will convince you, or he will accept your opinion and exempt you from the advice that troubles your conscience.
It is not reasonable that a spiritual father who has reached a high degree would allow himself to give one of those who confess to him advice that troubles his conscience!!
There is nothing wrong with discussing matters with your father of confession. For there are saints who discussed matters with God Himself.
The Prophet Jeremiah said to the Lord: “Righteous are You, O Lord, when I plead with You. Yet let me talk with You about Your judgments” . Our father Abraham discussed with the Lord regarding the matter of Sodom . And Moses discussed with Him when He wanted to destroy the people .
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