Meditations on the Song of Songs-By night, on my bed
Today we meditate on the third chapter of the Song of Songs: “In the night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loves; I sought him but did not find him. I will rise now and go about the city, in the streets and in the squares; I will seek him whom my soul loves. I sought him, but I did not find him.” (Song of Songs 3:1–2)
“In the night on my bed”
The phrase “in the night” has two meanings: either its literal meaning—nighttime—or its symbolic one, meaning darkness, confusion, and the spiritual exhaustion in which I find myself. And “on my bed” means: in my laziness, my negligence, my slumber, my distance from God. In all this I sought Him, but did not find Him.
The one speaking here is a dark, sinful, Gentile soul—not of God’s people. It is a lazy soul lying on its bed, which had not opened to the Lord before, and He passed by and departed.
- The stage of abandonment and its reasons: This is a soul living through a stage of divine abandonment. The Lord has withdrawn from her, so she cries out and says, “I sought Him, but I did not find Him.”
It is amazing that a person seeks God and does not find Him—He who said, “Seek and you shall find,” He who stands at every heart’s door and knocks, and who said, “Whoever comes to Me, I will by no means cast out.”
This abandonment may come either because of the person or through God’s wisdom in His divine economy.
It may come because of the hardness of heart, stubbornness, persistence in sin, rejection of grace, refusal to yield to the Holy Spirit, and resistance to the call of God and conscience—until the person reaches the stage of abandonment, which may develop into full rejection.
Or perhaps the Lord allows abandonment so that the heart does not exalt itself in self-righteousness. A person may walk uprightly and imagine he has reached perfection—so the Lord withdraws to show him his weakness. Or he may be righteous but without compassion for the fallen—so the Lord allows him to fall, that he may become merciful, having experienced the enemy’s fierce warfare.
Thus, not all whom the Lord abandons are wicked or fallen.
“In the night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loves; I sought him but did not find him.” The phrase “him whom my soul loves” is repeated many times here.
- I sin, yet I love You: It is wondrous that this bride, despite her laziness, darkness, and negligence, keeps repeating that she loves the Lord.
Love exists—just as it did with Peter, who denied the Lord three times but later said, “Lord, You know all things; You know that I love You.” And as Saint Paul said: “To will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice.” (Romans 7:18–19)
“Yes, Lord, I sleep, but I love You. I sin, but I love You. I love You from the depths of my heart. I do not sin from lack of love but from weakness, habit, stumbling, or external pressures.”
Indeed, I do not do deeds worthy of such love, but even so, I love You. My love is like a living seed—it has all the elements of life, though that life remains hidden. If it found good soil, water, and nurturing conditions, its life would appear in roots, stems, branches, leaves, flowers, and fruit.
Yet the lack of visible growth does not mean life is absent.
- “In the night, on my bed”: Zacchaeus the tax collector sought our Lord in the night—on his bed—in the darkness of injustice. He did not first leave his corrupt occupation; rather, he sought Him while still chief among the tax collectors.
The right-hand thief sought the Lord in the night, on his bed—the cross. Saint Augustine sought God in the deep night of sin… as did Saint Mary of Egypt, Saint Pelagia, and Saint Moses the Black. All of them sought the Lord in the night and found Him.
But this bride sought Him and did not find Him.
There are people who live in sin and yet seek God—not waiting to become pure first, but seeking Him in order to become pure. They say to the Lord: “I will not wait until I am cleansed to seek You; I will seek You that I may be cleansed. I will not wait until I am strong in spirit to seek You; I will seek You now, while weak and lazy, that You may strengthen me.”
“I will seek You while on my bed, that You may awaken me from sleep. I will seek You while in sin, that You may deliver me from it. I will seek You while far from You, that You may draw me near. My intention exists, though I have not yet begun the path.” The prodigal son, while among the swine, remembered his father and sought him there.
God wants you to come to Him as you are—so do not wait.
Do not wait until your prayer becomes pure before you pray. No—pray even with scattered thoughts and weakness, and then God will grant you pure prayer.
“In the night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loves.”
If those who seek You, Lord, were only the saints, we would all perish. We have hope, for sinners also seek You—the Pharisee and the tax collector alike.
How beautiful that in the middle of the night, God created stars and planets to shine amid darkness. Likewise, in the night of sin, there are lights around you. It is enough that you still love God and seek Him.
“Yes, Lord, I want to be with You, even in sin. Sin may destroy the loftiness of my life, but it does not destroy my affection toward You. Like a son who disobeys his father to satisfy a desire, yet still loves his father.”
“In the night on my bed” may also mean literal night: in its stillness and calm, away from noise, when one is alone with God, free from the distractions of the day. In the busyness of the day I was lost, but at night I found You.
Thus Christ said of prayer, “Enter into your room.” And the Psalmist said, “Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still.” The wrong thoughts that pass in your heart by day—repent of them at night. “Lift up your hands in the night, you saints, and bless the Lord.”
“In the night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loves”—not in the church, nor in the monastery, nor in places of worship, but on my bed.
Do not despise those who do not attend church—perhaps they seek the Lord on their beds.
This bride says, “I sought him but did not find him.” “Lord, I call and You do not answer. There is a barrier between us. Your fearful words ring in my ears: ‘When you spread out your hands, I will hide My eyes from you. Even though you make many prayers, I will not hear. Your hands are full of blood.’” (Isaiah 1)
There are barriers between me and You. I have lost our former love and the familiarity that once united us; I have betrayed our companionship. I feel that my words no longer reach You—as if I were not Your child and You not my God.
I long, O Lord, to be reconciled with You, to restore the old love that once bound us. I want to apologize and comfort Your heart concerning me.
This bride of the Song was wiser than our father Adam in his sin. Adam sinned and hid from God, but this bride sought Him until she found Him. Even though there was estrangement, there was still dialogue, pursuit, and searching through the streets and squares.
Truly, Lord, I am in a stage of abandonment, yet I will pursue You with all my strength until I bring You back. I will search for You and ask others about You until I find You.
Be careful in your relationship with God. Do not say, “The Lord has forsaken me, so I will forsake Him too—no prayer, no church, no confession.” Say instead: “If You forsake me, Lord, You lose nothing—but I lose everything. If You abandon me, I perish, for in You is my life, my being, and my destiny.”
“If You forsake me, I will run after You through the streets and squares, for without You I can do nothing. I will search for You everywhere; even if You are angry, I will reconcile with You. I will not hide from You as Adam did, for in You we live and move and have our being. As Your servant Paul said, ‘For to me, to live is Christ.’”
My soul may lie on its bed now, but this is temporary—it will pass. It is a brief illness, not a lifelong state.
Truly, Lord, I left You and fell into the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—but all these were desires, not love.
The world, the flesh, and pride bound me with sensations of pleasure and delight—but not with love. For all love is Yours. All those pleasures are temporary, but love is deep, rooted in the heart—it belongs to You, and You belong to me.
The world was for me a source of pleasure, as were the flesh and pride—but these were pleasures, not love. Love is Yours, and all my heart is Yours. I seek Him whom my soul loves—my soul that loves You deeply, even when it desires another.
The bride says, “I sought him but did not find him.” But this does not mean she will never find Him. If not today, then tomorrow. She gives us an example of a soul that never despairs, no matter how far it has lost the Lord.
The Scripture says, “By your patience possess your souls.” So let us be patient and strive.
This divine abandonment was beneficial, for the sleeper arose— she left her bed, searched, moved, and sought. God allowed this to make us move, for we cannot simply lie down and expect grace to do everything.
If the Spirit of God works in us, we must also work with the Spirit. This is the “fellowship of the Holy Spirit” mentioned in Scripture.
“Lord, You said: ‘He who loves Me keeps My commandments.’ I love You, but I have not kept Your commandments, for I have not reached that level yet. But even so, I seek You, that You may grant me strength to keep Your commandments—to love You in deed, not just in emotion.”
Article by His Holiness Pope Shenouda III – El-Keraza Magazine, Year 5, Issue 42, October 17, 1975
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