Comforting People
Comforting People
Saint Paul the Apostle said: “To the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might win Jews; to those who are without law, as without law… that I might win those who are without law. To the weak I became as weak, that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all men, that I might by all means save some. Now this I do for the gospel’s sake” (1 Corinthians 9:20–23)
He wanted to win people—for the Lord—in the way that would comfort them.
Thus, he left us a model of action we can follow: not to pressure others, nor treat them in ways they cannot accept, but to comfort them.
Let us try to win people, for “He who wins souls is wise” (Proverbs 11:30)
Of course, Saint Paul meant winning people to faith, not to personal friendship. He spoke to the Jew from the Scriptures, to those without the Law through reason and logic, and to the weak he descended to their level to raise them to the desired one. Thus, he won everyone through his manner of dealing with them.
Comforting everyone is required of all: of priests, families, leaders, friends, subordinates, and everyone. It is a general principle—to win, by all means, some.
You must understand each person’s psychology and nature, and deal with them in a way that suits both.
If you deal with someone very sensitive, who is hurt by the smallest thing, be careful with your words, and avoid any behavior that might offend their feelings. If you deal with someone meticulous in judgment, be precise with him. But with a cheerful, broad-minded person, be open and speak comfortably and frankly, as long as he is not disturbed by it.
Also, know each person’s circumstances and needs, and deal with them accordingly. And to win people and comfort them, be cheerful, smiling, and kind.
People love the cheerful person and feel at ease with him. Even when a person’s photo is taken, they are told to smile—because in smiling, they look pleasant. But the gloomy person, as the saying goes, has a face that “kills the yeast in the house”!
Scripture says, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another…” (Ephesians 4:32). Kindness is one of the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:23), and it goes hand in hand with meekness. The Lord Jesus says, “Learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls” (Matthew 11:29)
Therefore, to comfort and win people, be humble, not proud.
Do not look down on anyone. Treat everyone with kindness, whatever their status—even children, servants, and subordinates.
Speak to everyone with politeness and respect. Do not hurt anyone’s feelings.
As for speaking, do not talk to anyone unless they are ready to listen.
If they are not ready—perhaps busy with something more important—they will not listen, and your words may burden them or tire them.
Here I offer advice to wives: Sometimes the husband returns home from work tired and wants to rest. But his wife tries to start talking about problems when he is not ready to listen. She insists on speaking, though he asks her to wait until later. She continues until he gets annoyed or an argument breaks out.
My daughter, do not talk to your husband unless he has ears to hear. Do not ask for something while he is preoccupied. Wait until he is relaxed and calm; then he will listen and respond.
Generally, choose the right time to speak, to comfort your listener. Speak about what pleases others. As one writer said, “Every word has an ear, and perhaps your ear is not for my words”, And when you speak, do not speak more than necessary.
If a matter needs only a word, do not give a sentence or a lecture! It is surprising how some people keep talking and talking without considering whether the listener has time to hear them. They talk until the listener becomes bored or annoyed.
Solomon the Wise says in Ecclesiastes, “Let your words be few” (Ecclesiastes 5:2) And in Proverbs, “In the multitude of words sin is not lacking” (Proverbs 10:19)
But some keep talking even when asked to stop, insisting, “This is an important matter—you must listen!” It may not be. And even if it is, there is always a right time. Sadly, even some phone calls ignore timing and the listener’s busyness.
And when you speak, avoid excessive compliments that tire others.
The Apostle says, “Do all things without complaining and disputing.” (Philippians 2:14) Yet some love to argue only to prove their opinion, not to reach truth, but to win. They interrupt others, raise their voices, and appear to quarrel rather than converse. This is uncomfortable and gives a bad impression.
So, if you see someone wanting to argue uselessly, try to end the discussion politely.
Also, when talking with people, do not keep asking endless questions, turning the conversation into an interrogation—like: “When you went there, whom did you meet? What did you say? What did he say? What happened then?” The listener feels like he’s before a prosecutor, not a friend.
To comfort people, do not interfere in their personal affairs.
Do not seek to uncover their secrets. Everyone has private matters—respect that. If you push them to speak, they will find you uncomfortable.
In Western countries, people don’t interfere in others’ privacies. If a letter arrives for the wife, her husband won’t open it; nor will a father open his son’s mail. To comfort others, do not force them to reveal what they prefer to keep private.
Pressuring others or being insistent is not comfortable for them; both are wrong.
Ask within reason. If you see someone unwilling to answer, do not pressure or insist.
If you want to win people, avoid anger and irritation.
Be calm and meek. The meek person neither angers others nor is angered by them; he lives in peace with all.
Be like a fragrant breeze that delights those around you, not like a storm that uproots and shakes.
Let your meetings be pleasant for others.
There are people whose company you wish would never end; if they leave, you wish to keep them. But others—you keep checking the clock, praying the conversation ends soon! Because they are uncomfortable to be around.
If you wish to win and comfort people, do not ask from them more than they can give. Ask what they can do. As the proverb says, “If you want to be obeyed, ask what can be done.” If they cannot, don’t pressure them—it will only make you a burden on their will and nerves.
This is one reason why some marriages fail: constant pressure, bad timing, and asking what is beyond strength.
If you wish to comfort people, don’t visit them unannounced.
Don’t drop by like fate itself! Be sure your visit is at a suitable time—not during exams, when students need quiet to study. “To everything there is a season” says Ecclesiastes (3:1).
If you wish to win people, give them their rights and needs, as long as it is within your power and aligned with good.
Scripture says, “Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in the power of your hand to do so. Do not say to your neighbor, ‘Go, and come back, and tomorrow I will give it,’ when you have it with you” (Proverbs 3:27–28)
The one who gives is a beloved person.
If you want to win and comfort people, do not be quick to rebuke or punish.
Also, avoid quarrels and causes of conflict as much as possible. Be a bringer of good news, for Scripture praises those who bring good tidings of peace (Isaiah 52:7).
And to comfort people, do not impose your opinion on them.
If you share your opinion and they do not accept it, even after explanation, leave them free.
Our God Himself gave people freedom—even when they used it to break His commandments. He said to His people in Deuteronomy, “I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live” (Deuteronomy 30:19)
Even Satan—the Lord could have destroyed him, yet allowed him a measure of freedom until his time comes.
So you, too, should not force others to obey you against their will. You may advise—but not compel.
Let your relationship with others be one of love, not control.
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