Child Care
Child Care
A mother may think that pampering is one of the necessities of love.
But in pampering she may fall into many mistakes, such as:
- She may not pay attention to his mistakes, saying: “He’s just a child; he doesn’t know!”
Under this phrase, she leaves him to err without guidance and without any direction! He continues this way until he becomes accustomed to the mistake without shame.
By “direction” we do not mean long explanations with details. His mind may not yet bear such length. It is enough at a certain age that he knows what he may do and what he may not do. If he asks for the reason, he may be answered with a brief phrase. - The mother may even encourage the mistake by laughing and showing her delight at what he does!
She may recount what he did to others, and they also laugh… The child feels that what he did drew the interest or admiration of the family, so he repeats it, and may even teach it to others. He thinks that the mistake which caused laughter is a virtuous act! - Pampering in dealing with the child may go as far as defending him in his mistakes, if others criticize him or if the father wants to discipline him.
We may guide him without burdening him and without being harsh on him. But it is not right that in protecting him or defending him we say he did nothing wrong! For in denying his mistake, we fall into an educational error.
In defending him, we may say: “He will not do this again,” or “He did not know these results would happen…” - The conflicting stance taken by the parents confuses the child.
The father says he made a mistake and deserves punishment, while the mother says he did not. The child then does not know the correct judgment concerning his actions. Standards and judgments become confused before him.
He may reach a harmful conclusion: either that his father is harsh and unjust, or that his mother judges wrongly, or that she knows the truth but lies to save him.
Thus the matter shifts from judging his action to judging his parents.
The proper situation is that he realizes that the wrong action he committed is wrong according to everyone. But what is required is to forgive him and not punish him, being content with guiding him. - Perhaps the wrong defense of the child is because he is the only child.
Indeed, the only child often errs because of excessive pampering from his parents, which may include overlooking his mistakes, never angering him no matter what he does, and guarding his feelings with a method in which discipline disappears completely. Even the mere indication of his mistake disappears, lest his sensitive feelings be hurt. All this harms him. It is not love but mistaken pampering. - My advice to parents is not to stop having children by their own choice, content with only one child.
Every child wants a sibling to accompany him, talk to him, play with him, joke with him, and speak to him. He may even quarrel with him and reconcile with him; the quarrel being a passing encounter like that with a friend, and soon the atmosphere clears. - It is hard for the child to feel that he is solitary and must search for friendship outside the family circle!
He tries to find a child of similar age to befriend—perhaps among neighbors’ children, or among those who visit the house, or a friend to play with at the club, school, or street… In all this he feels an emotional deficiency from childhood. And we do not know the kind of people he seeks to befriend outside the family nor the extent of their influence upon him. - For all these reasons, we advise parents that their son or daughter should have at least one brother or sister, as long as this is possible.
Siblinghood is a healthy social environment, more proper than strange environments, so long as it is overshadowed by a stable family life with sound upbringing. In the atmosphere of the family, children begin to practice social life and the principles of affection, friendship, and cooperation. The child will not feel an emptiness that needs to be filled from outside.
I do not wish to prolong greatly on the topic of child care.
- For I have written for you a book titled How to Deal with Children.
You may refer to it, and we shall move on to another subject…
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