The Wife of the Priest: Her Qualities and Responsibilities
The Wife of the Priest: Her Qualities and Responsibilities
The first thing we say is that the wife of the priestly father is not an ordinary woman; rather, she has qualities and conditions in Holy Scripture, as well as in the canons of the Church.
Her Qualities
Qualities before the ordination of the priestly father, and qualities after his ordination.
In the Old Testament, it is required that the woman whom the priest marries be a virgin, neither a widow nor a divorced woman—that is, her marriage to the priestly father is not her second marriage.
The priest’s wife also has spiritual qualities.
which indicates that before the priesthood he chose a spiritual woman, and that he also was able to “manage his own household well… for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?” (1 Tim. 3:4–5).
Thus, the priest’s house becomes a model house before the people: in the good wife and in his children who are “in submission with all reverence,” through the influence of both father and mother together.
We tend to prefer that the priest’s wife be a servant before his ordination.
so that she knows the nature of his work and helps him in it, and does not worry or complain if he returns late to his home, knowing that for the sake of God and His Kingdom he toils night and day, and that he receives his reward from God according to his labor (1 Cor. 3:8).
The priest’s wife should be exemplary in her appearance and in her worship.
Her clothing should be of the utmost modesty, her adornment of the utmost dignity, and she should not be a subject of criticism in anything. She should be loving to all, with good relationships with everyone, and also calm, not stirring noise around her.
People see her persevering in meetings and liturgies, partaking of the holy mysteries, exemplary in listening and in keeping order.
She gains people’s respect not merely because she is the wife of the priestly father, but rather they respect her more because of her personality, her good qualities, and her spirituality.
Just as they admire her as an admirable personality, they also admire her as a mother.
Her children are likewise exemplary in their character, behavior, and calmness. None of her young children commits a mistake for which one of the servants rebukes him, or hesitates to rebuke him because of his father’s position or out of regard for his mother’s feelings.
Thus her children do not need another upbringing from church servants to compensate for any shortcoming of their mother or father in raising them!!
Some suggest that the priest’s wife be a graduate of the Institute of Pastoral Care.
But this is not available for everyone, unless we allow branches of the Institute in various regions in Egypt and abroad, or at least allow affiliation with the Institute and the private study of its subjects.
Some also ask whether she should be a working woman or not.
In reality, work has its benefits: it bears part of the financial burden from her husband; it also enables her to gain experience of society through work; and it keeps her away from the spirit of boredom, since her husband is at church most of the time while she remains alone at home (if she is not working).
There is therefore no objection to the priest’s wife working, provided that she has a good reputation in her workplace and does not fall short in the duties of her home.
If the priest’s wife is a servant in the church, she should not be domineering, especially if there are servants older and more competent than she.
This is particularly so if she serves among women and older girls, having authority and management of work.
It is assumed that she presents a practical example of humility and self-denial, and of cooperation with all without arrogance toward anyone, and that she does not impose her opinion in service, but rather—as the spiritual elder said: “In whatever place you dwell, be the least of your brothers and their servant.”
The spirit of domination is a repulsive spirit that generates division in the Church.
She should not think that—through her connection with her husband the priest—she can obtain from him decisions in service matters that may upset her colleagues.
If this happens, some colleagues may submit complaints against her to her husband the priest, causing embarrassment between her and them, or submit complaints to his fellow priests or to meetings of servants, complicating matters and worsening her image in the Church.
*She is also not permitted to interfere in matters of church administration.
which would embarrass the priestly father before his fellow priests or before the lay leaders who are members of the church council—whether she stands against some members in their actions or viewpoints, or some people contact her to help them cancel a decision taken by her husband the priest, promising them in a way that makes them feel that the priestly father has authority over them while there is authority over him in his house!! This is entirely inappropriate and not befitting at all, nor is it from the dignity of her husband or the respect of the servants for him—especially if the priestly father decided on an opinion in an evening meeting, then returned and changed it the next morning!!
*She should also not pressure her husband into making a particular administrative decision concerning the church.
and if he cannot do so, she becomes angry and stirs an atmosphere of gloom at home that affects his priestly and pastoral service.
It is not right that some feel that the priestly father has a key, and that she is the holder of this key through her interference in church policy.
*Nor is it right that the priest’s wife be jealous.
She should not be distressed if he deals with simplicity and gentleness with some women, for he—as a father—is supposed to be gentle with all and beloved by all. It is not permissible—through her misguided jealousy—to distance him from his love for people or people’s love for him, or to cause him problems in this regard.
*Likewise, she should not pressure him financially in her expenses or household expenses.
Rather, she should be prudent and content, not complaining or grumbling, and not make him change his policy of financial purity because of her, nor drive him to chase after money after his service had risen above material concerns and seeking gain.
*She should also be discreet with secrets.
Any news he tells her, she should not broadcast or spread. There are people who consider that everything they say to the priestly father is a protected secret. If the priest’s wife spreads it—even among her friends and close ones—it will be rumored about the priest that he divulges the secret of confession!! My advice to every priestly father is to be very cautious about everything he tells his wife, especially if the wife is not careful in her speech.
The humility of the priest’s wife should encompass all her dealings:
humility toward her husband, toward his fellow priests, toward the church council and all those responsible for its administration, toward servants, male and female, and toward all people in general in the Church and all who work in it. Everyone should feel that she passes among them like a gentle, fragrant breeze, in gentleness, courtesy, humility, and love, serving everyone.
Regarding her humility in dealing with her husband:
She should respect him before everyone, not argue with him over a matter, not correct him before people for a mistake he made, and not embarrass him by any action.
She should know that her dignity stems from his dignity, and that she does not have a dignity independent of her husband’s dignity to exercise in a way that harms him.In defending him, she should not clash with others or offend them. She should not defend him in an error he commits, but rather rescue him from the error. In defending him, it is not right for her voice to rise or become sharp, nor to quarrel with others, nor to enter into particular hostilities, nor to lose her spirituality, calmness, and inner peace.
If she has influence over her husband, let that be within her home, in secret, and not appear before people.
Her Responsibility
The Lord’s saying about Adam applies to her: “I will make him a helper comparable to him” (Gen. 2:18). She should therefore be a helper to him, assisting him even in his service.
First of all, she should provide him at home with a sound, calm atmosphere, so that he goes out from his house to service very calm in soul, never having caused him any gloom.
She can also assist him even from an academic standpoint.
arranging his books and cards, looking into the lectionary and knowing the topic of the upcoming liturgical sermon and reminding him of it. If she has strong knowledge, she can guide him to where the sayings of the Fathers are found on that topic, pointing to the references. If the priestly father has spoken on this topic before, she reminds him of what he said so that he does not repeat himself.
She can arrange his upcoming appointments and receive telephone calls.
She also helps him in raising their children. If she is a servant, she bears from him part of the burden of service. She can also help him in baptizing elderly women, and in arranging women who are approaching Communion in terms of wearing the scarf and removing shoes, with all gentleness and humility—as a deaconess.
Some ask: does the priest’s wife assist him in pastoral visitation?
Not in every case. In cases related to family or individual secrets, it is preferable that she be distant. In other cases, such as social services, there is no objection if the priestly father finds that circumstances allow.
There is also a type of visitation that the priest’s wife can carry out alone within the limits of her own service, such as certain family problems that may reach divorce, or those threatened with apostasy, and the like.
It is also the right of the priest’s wife to preserve the privacy of her home. The priest should not use it for hearing confessions or for resolving certain problems; these matters should take place in the church. Otherwise, his wife will lose her domestic freedom, and he too will lose his freedom, and his house will become like the mayor’s reception hall!!
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