The Ideal Family
The Ideal Family[1]
In this section we wish to examine the subject of the family—its beginning, its ideal characteristics, and the solutions to its problems…
A family begins with two who are united in marriage…
Marriage is not a union of two, but of three, for the Third Partner of the couple is God… He is the third party in the marriage…
Therefore, when the couple bears a child, this new born is a child of the husband, a child of the wife, and a child of God…
It is God who unites the couple by His Holy Spirit so that they become one… one in faith, in heart and mind, cooperating in one home with one aim. This unity deserves contemplation…
The Harmony of the Couple
The ideal family must be built on the foundation of harmony.
As some say, marriage is a half seeking its other half.
A husband and wife are two people living together in one home, in a shared life for their whole lifetime; therefore harmony between them must be complete.
They are like two horses pulling one carriage. They cannot do this unless they move in one direction, at one speed, and with equal strength.
They move together, stop together, and turn together toward one goal, and neither puts pressure on the other. Long ago the saying went:
“One of the conditions of companionship is agreement.”
There must be religious and spiritual harmony between the couple.
Both must be Orthodox Christians, sound in doctrine and faith, with a spiritual life connected to the Church.
Sometimes the two come from different denominations, and one joins Orthodoxy in a formal external sense just to complete the marriage. Yet his belief remains in his heart as it was before this superficial joining! This doctrinal difference remains, and it has practical effects…
There must also be harmony in thought, in principles, in customs, and in lifestyle.
For how can the two be united in one life if this harmony does not exist?! And how can they live together in society, even within the family circle, if each has his own path and his own way?!
Differences between the couple affect the children.
The child is left to choose which path to follow, and which ideal to imitate, when before him lie contradictions in the lives of his parents. Even differences in the parents’ manner of dealing create differences in their methods of raising their children.
There must also be harmony in temperament…
How can a very serious person live with someone extremely cheerful?!
Or how can a very meticulous person live with one who is extremely lenient and careless and indulgent?!
And how can they live if one loves deep quiet, and the other loves amusement, noise, and much talk?!
How then can we fulfill the Lord’s saying: “They are no longer two but one flesh”?
The Parents’ Role
The role of the parents in the engagement of their son or daughter is to present and to guide, but it cannot reach the point of imposing or forcing.
They have the right to refuse a spouse whom they find unsuitable, but they do not have the right to impose another.
Even in refusal, it must be based on sound principles and reasons worthy of such a decision.
In matters of marriage and otherwise, let parents remember the Scripture:
“Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” (Col 3:21).
Some parents impose a fiancé by means of force and domination, or through sadness, anger, or illness, pressuring the son or daughter to accept out of concern for a parent’s health. Some impose a fiancé through suspicion, accusing their daughter, for example, of refusing this suitor because she is attached to someone else… Others impose someone through constant insistence and rejection of all other proposals…
All forms of imposition cannot produce a successful marriage. A successful marriage is built on harmony, consent, and love.
Parents may impose someone from among their relatives (a cousin), or a family friend, or a wealthy person who will cost them nothing in the wedding, or someone with a job or education that pleases them… etc.
But parents must remember that they are not choosing what suits them, but what suits their son or daughter.
It is the life of the one who will marry, not the life of the one who chooses.
[1] Article by His Holiness Pope Shenouda III: The Ideal Family, Al-Keraza Magazine, 9 February 1990For better translation support, please contact the center.
