The Happy Spiritual Family
The Happy Spiritual Family
On the occasion of the Feast of the Family, I would like to speak to you about:
The Happy Spiritual Family
The family is the first nucleus of society.
The Church must give the family the utmost care, so that it may produce a spiritual generation that fears the Lord and worships Him in spirit and in truth.
This care begins from the period of engagement and even before engagement, so that harmony may be achieved between two spiritual persons who bear the responsibility of establishing a Christian spiritual home.
The two new spouses should be introduced to the nature of this new life and its responsibilities, so that they may walk in it properly.
The family, in its beginning, is formed of two who are united in marriage. Yet marriage is not a union between two, but between three, and the third of the spouses is God. He is a third party in the marriage.
Therefore, when the spouses beget a child, this newborn becomes a child of the husband, a child of the wife, and a child of God as well.
God is the One who unites the spouses by His Holy Spirit, so that they become one in faith, in heart, and in thought, cooperating in one home toward one goal. This unity requires contemplation.
The Harmony of the Spouses
The ideal family should be built on the foundation of harmony.
As some say, marriage is a half searching for its other half.
The spouses are two who live together in one house and in a shared life for a lifetime; therefore, harmony between them should be complete.
They are like two horses pulling one chariot. They cannot do this unless they move in one direction, at the same speed, and with equal strength. They move together and stop together, heading toward one goal. Neither should pressure the other. Long ago the proverb said:
“One of the conditions of companionship is compatibility.”
There should be religious and spiritual harmony between the spouses.
Both should be Orthodox Christians, sound in doctrine and faith, with a spiritual life connected to the Church.
Sometimes the two are not of one denomination, and one party joins Orthodoxy in a formal, outward manner merely to complete the marriage, while his doctrine remains in his heart as it was before this superficial affiliation. This denominational difference remains, with its practical effects.
There should also be harmony in thought, principles, traditions, and way of life.
How can two people be united in one life if such harmony does not exist? And how can they walk together in society and even within the family if each has his own way and method?
Differences between the spouses affect the children. The child chooses which path to follow and which ideal to imitate, while facing contradictions in the lives of his parents. Indeed, the difference between the parents in style creates a difference in the way they raise their children.
There should also be harmony in temperament.
How can a very serious person live with a very cheerful one? Or a very meticulous person with another who is extremely lenient and careless?
How can they live if one inclines to deep quietness while the other inclines to noise, amusement, and excessive talk?
How then can we fulfill the Lord’s saying: “They are no longer two but one”?
The Role of the Parents
The role of parents in the engagement of their son or daughter lies in offering and guiding, but it must not reach the level of imposition or coercion.
They have the right to reject a suitor whom they find unsuitable, but they do not have the right to impose another.
Even rejection should be based on sound foundations and reasons that justify it.
In the matter of marriage and in other matters, let parents remember the Scripture: “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” (Col. 3:21).
Some parents impose a fiancé through violence and control, or through sadness, anger, or illness, forcing the son or daughter to accept out of concern for the health of the father or mother. Others impose a fiancé through suspicion, accusing their daughter, for example, that she refuses him because she is involved with another person. Others impose a person through continuous insistence and rejection of all other proposals.
All forms of imposition cannot produce a successful marriage. A successful marriage is built on harmony, consent, and love.
Parents may impose a relative—such as a nephew or cousin—or a family friend, or a wealthy person who will cost them nothing for the marriage, or someone with a job or education that pleases them, and so on.
But parents should remember that they are not choosing what suits them, but what suits their son or daughter.
It is the life of the one who will marry, not the life of the one who chooses during the engagement period.
Engagement is not a sacrament of the Church, nor is it a binding contract between the engaged couple; rather, it is an agreement and a promise of marriage.
The engagement period is a period of acquaintance, affection, friendship, and preparation for marriage.
Some understand preparation for marriage as merely material preparation—furnishing, clothing, and the marital home—entering into financial agreements and concerns that distract them from the spiritual element.
The spiritual preparation specific to the engagement period is the preparation of the engaged couple to become one—one heart and one direction—so that through marriage they may become one body united in one home.
This cannot be achieved unless the engagement period is truly a period of acquaintance, in which each partner comes to know the other, understands him or her, communicates well, and ensures harmony of nature and the possibility of shared life. If harmony is lacking, they work toward reconciliation.
It is a period in which the engaged couple seeks to reach a degree of friendship and love upon which marriage can be built, for a marriage not founded on harmony, friendship, and love is a failed marriage.
This harmony should include temperament, culture, age, ideals, and the spiritual life in all its aspects.
The engagement period helps test this harmony, but it is best to verify it as much as possible before engagement.
It is a dangerous gamble for some parents to think that harmony will come through marriage and shared life. It may not come, and the differences may increase—what then will be the result?
Each of the engaged couple must be open-eyed, perceptive, and aware of the importance of knowing the one with whom he or she will share an entire life.
The engagement period is not a time for acting, in which each partner tries to appear in an ideal image that is not truly his or hers, only for the deception to be revealed after marriage and the marriage to fracture.
A wise fiancé and a wise fiancée can, with wisdom and awareness, discern the temperament of the other, inferring it without drawing attention.
Among the mistakes that obscure true perception during engagement is the preoccupation of the engaged couple with emotional impulses that occupy the senses and the mind, preventing attention to the true reality of the partner.
The wise fiancé in this period seeks to know the future partner of his life, studies him deeply, and sees whether he can live with him in affection for a lifetime. He seeks a true, pure friendship without thinking of possessing the other during this period.
If through acquaintance and affection the engaged couple can become one in thought, feelings, temperament, and direction, then they can become one body in marriage.
If they cannot reach this unity of heart, it is better to postpone marriage until unity is achieved, if it can be achieved.
Extending the Spirit of Engagement
During the engagement period, the fiancé is more gentle and affectionate, more considerate of his fiancée’s feelings, and more eager to please her.
Why should this spirit not continue after marriage as well?
Often we see husbands whose respect for their wives diminishes, whose gentleness decreases, and whose courtesies fade. Their wives no longer see the initial polite treatment filled with love, tenderness, and care.
Many husbands justify poor treatment under the pretext of “removing formality.”
In the name of removing formality, he offers no words of thanks, no polite requests, no words of praise; he may joke with heavy humor, allow himself sarcasm, and sometimes permit harsh rebuke and rough treatment.
Why does a man not live in marriage with the same spirit he had during engagement?
Likewise, why does the wife not continue as she was during engagement?
During engagement she was obedient, calm, gentle at all times, avoiding loudness, anger, and quarrels, eager to preserve the man and his love. If only she would continue with the same spirit in marriage.
Marriage Is a Responsibility
Marriage is not merely a social or emotional relationship between a man and a woman; it is also a responsibility.
It is the formation of a family and the care of children who are raised in the fear of God and brought up properly, for the formation of a holy Church, a righteous society, and a cohesive homeland.
It is a trust—the next generation—placed in the hands of husbands and wives.
Age of Marriage
The age of marriage should be an age of maturity—not only sexual maturity, but also intellectual, social, and the ability to bear responsibilities.
After marriage, the engaged couple will become parents to a child or children, bearing the responsibility of their upbringing. Therefore, they must be of an age of maturity that allows them to bear the responsibility of raising children.
They will also have social, familial, financial, and material responsibilities that require wisdom in managing affairs.
This maturity helps in choosing the right time for marriage, in maintaining a calm and sound marital life, and in overcoming problems that may arise.
It also helps each spouse bear his or her responsibilities independently, without constant consultation with parents and submission to their directions, and without the resulting family problems caused by the interference of in-laws in the affairs of the new, small family.
A young age is prone to fluctuation, quick temper, and reckless behavior, and marital conflicts are often intensified.
It is an age that needs care, not one suited for bearing responsibilities or managing a family with the true spirit of marriage and parenthood.
Therefore, it is wrong for marriage to take place between persons who are not capable of bearing the responsibility of raising a new generation.
Thus, the harm of early marriage does not fall only on the spouses, but also on their offspring.
Each spouse should therefore be at an age of maturity: spiritual, intellectual, social, and educational maturity.
This maturity helps them understand the new life, manage their relationship, raise children, and deal wisely with neighboring families and relatives.
Marriage also includes financial responsibilities, requiring good management and understanding of financial matters and economic conditions. All of this requires maturity and the ability to face life’s burdens, events, surprises, and changes.
Rights and Duties
Every member of the family has rights and also duties.
The Scripture that commands the woman to obey the man is the same Scripture that commands the man to love the woman as Christ loved the Church (Eph. 5:22–25).
And the Scripture that says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord” (Eph. 6:1), is the same that says, “Do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” (Col. 3:21).
Demanding rights without fulfilling duties is a form of selfishness and lack of cooperation. Demanding duties from the other party without granting rights is a form of humiliation and lack of love.
The Church of the Home
How beautiful is the saying of the Apostle Paul in his Epistle to the Romans: “Greet Priscilla and Aquila… and the church that is in their house” (Rom. 16:5), and also his words to the Colossians: “Greet the brethren who are in Laodicea, and Nymphas, and the church that is in his house” (Col. 4:15), and likewise his words to Philemon: “the church that is in your house” (Philem. 1:2).
Their homes became churches, like the house of Mary the mother of Mark the Apostle (Acts 12:12) and Lydia the seller of purple.
If there is no church in your home, at least is there for the Lord even a small corner, with an icon, a lamp, and a place for prayer?
Is your home a holy home in which the Lord has a share?
Does it bear the form and spirit of worship?
If the Church is the assembly of believers who worship God in spirit and in truth, then your home is a church in this sense, from which prayers and praises rise to God like the fragrance of incense.
If you remember that your home is a church, remember the Scripture: “Holiness adorns Your house, O Lord, forever” (Ps. 93:5).
Love and Trust
For the family to live an ideal life, it must be united by love and trust.
Love must bind all members of the family: parental love, filial love, and marital love.
Love creates an atmosphere of peace in the home, filling all with reassurance, friendship, and cooperation.
A home filled with conflict and quarrels plants fear in the hearts of children and makes them anxious about marital life.
A home without love is filled with suspicion, loses trust, and therefore loses peace.
How can this be treated?
Each spouse must work to strengthen the trust that binds him or her to the other: trusting, and also earning the trust of the other.
Trust should precede marriage and continue within it.
If one spouse loses trust in the other, their life may turn into suspicion and torment.
If suspicion arises, it should be treated with complete openness and by eliminating its causes.
Bad suspicion is a psychological illness; if one spouse is afflicted by it, it leads to doubt. With good intention the matter can be resolved; otherwise, through frankness.
It is not right for one spouse to impose surveillance over the other, weighing every action and word.
Let the spouses walk together in simplicity and love, each justifying the other’s actions with good intent and seeking excuses for every mistake—this is the path to happiness.
Suspicion is a fire for both parties; blessed is the one who escapes from it. Suspicion is a long story that never ends.
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