How Do You Love People and Be Loved by Them?
How Do You Love People and Be Loved by Them?
There are important rules that you must follow in order to gain the love of people, and here we attempt to present some of them.
1- Set a clear goal before you: to gain the love of people, even if it requires that you sacrifice for that sake…
There are people who care only about themselves and do not care about others. They do not mind whether someone is angry or pleased. But you, be concerned for the feelings of everyone, and try to win everyone, because the Scripture says: “He who wins souls is wise” (Prov. 11:30). And if you know that someone is upset with you, let your heart not rest until you reconcile him. Let everyone love you, and as the Scripture says: “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men” (Rom. 12:18). Therefore offer people your love, and gain their love, and consider the love of people a precious treasure that you must guard.
2- For the sake of gaining people’s love, respect everyone, even those who are younger than you and of lesser status.
Many people respect those who are older than they are or of higher position, but they ignore those who are less than they are, and thus they lose much. But you train yourself to respect all and honor all. Do not say a word that diminishes anyone or wounds a person’s feelings. Do not treat anyone with belittlement or contempt, and do not ignore anyone no matter how unknown he may be. Train yourself to use expressions of appreciation and honor toward your children, your younger brothers, your subordinates, or your servants…
And know that such expressions will not be forgotten. Those young ones will remember them all their lives; they will raise their morale and make them love you. Many elders forget your respect for them because it is something ordinary to them. But the young do not forget. Your respect for them is a lasting deed that does not perish. And know that God does not despise us despite the infinite difference between His greatness and our insignificance, yet God condescends to speak with us and humbles Himself, listening to us and seeking the salvation of our souls.
3- Therefore your humility before people is an important factor in gaining their love.
Do not speak to anyone from above, nor be harsh with anyone, but deal with all in humility, for people love the humble. If you have a high position, forget your position and live among people as one of them. Do not make them feel the difference…
On one occasion a father asked me for advice, and I said to him: “Be a son among your brothers, and be a brother among your children,” because humility can open even closed hearts… People may fear one who is high and great among them, but they love the one who forgets his position in his love for them. Therefore gain people’s love for you, not their fear of you. Let it not be your goal that people dread you, but that they love you. Do not seek to be above their heads, but seek to be within their hearts.
Do not think that your humility before people diminishes you; on the contrary, it lifts you higher… Remember the saying of the spiritual elder: “In whatever place you dwell, be the least of your brothers and their servant.” And the Lord Christ said: “Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted” (Matt. 23:11). And how beautiful was that advice which the wise elders directed to Rehoboam, the son of Solomon the Wise, when they said to him: “If you become a servant to this people today, and serve them and answer them… then they will be your servants forever” (1 Kings 12:7).
4- If you want people to love you, serve them, help them, and give yourself for them…
Make them feel your love through what you offer them of assistance, giving, and self-sacrifice. Those who love themselves always want to take, to receive, and to gain. But you, do not be like that. Train yourself in giving and generosity. Let your relationship with people aim at their benefit, not your own. See how you can comfort them, bring joy to their hearts, and introduce happiness into their lives… In this way they will love you.
The most hated person is the selfish one, and the most loved person is the serving, self-giving, generous one.
Do not think that only a child loves you when you give to him, but even an adult does also… God Himself relates to people in a relationship of giving and self-sacrifice, and so did the apostles… A mother is greatly loved because she continually gives and sacrifices…
And if you have nothing to give to people, give them a gentle smile and a kind word. Give them love, give them tenderness, give them a word of encouragement… Give them your heart… Show them that you are willing and ready for every sacrifice for their sake…
5- If you want people to love you, meet them with cheerfulness and kindness…
A cheerful person is a beloved person… People also love the joyful person, the kind person, and the one who makes them forget their pains and troubles by his sweet words and comforting personality… Therefore try continually to be cheerful… Even in the depth of your troubles and afflictions, forget your troubles for the sake of people…
Do not speak to anyone with a frowning face and stern features, except in absolute necessity for the sake of good. Otherwise, be gentle…
Speak to people with all politeness and taste; do not scowl…
6- If you want to gain the love of people, do not be one who frequently rebukes or reproaches…
A harsh word is a painful word that wearies people. A wounding word may destroy and scatter love, so do not be one who frequently rebukes. If you want to offer blame or advice, let it be with calmness and meekness, not with harshness. Do not make people feel through your frequent reproach that you hate them. If you must speak a word of rebuke, precede it with an expression of appreciation or praise or a gentle introduction that prepares the atmosphere to accept the rebuke. Or at least choose your words carefully so that your rebuke is not wounding or humiliating, and not in front of others, lest the one you rebuke feel humiliation and shame. Also, do not rebuke for every small and great matter, but only for important matters, for there is no person without fault. You can guide people without hurting them. And do not rebuke everyone, because Solomon the Wise says: “Do not correct a scoffer, lest he hate you; rebuke a wise man, and he will love you” (Prov. 9:8).
If you criticize, do not be harsh in your criticism, but speak of the good points before mentioning the bad. If you criticize someone, do not crush him, but be gentle with him. Let the goal of criticism be building, not destroying…
7- If you want people to love you, defend them and praise them…
Very sensitive is the poor heart that finds everyone against it, and among them finds someone who defends it. It gives him all its heart… Therefore defend people, especially the one whom you find in distress, or under severe pressure, or whom you see as wronged or in need of someone to defend him…
In your dealings with people, remember their virtues and forget their faults. Be sure that every person, no matter how dark his life may be, you will surely find in him some white points that deserve praise… Search for these white points, praise them, highlight them, and show him that you know and appreciate them. Then he will love you and be ready to accept your guidance or rebuke after you have shown him your love…
Let your words be white. Try to abound in words of praise for those who deserve them. Do not be abusive, destructive, mocking, or sarcastic toward others. Laugh with people, but do not laugh at people. Make everyone feel your appreciation for him, and declare this appreciation before all. Benefit from the good that is in people before you criticize the evil that is in them. Consider that the evil in people is foreign to them, and your duty is to save them from it, not to crush them because of it.
8- If you want people to love you, be a virtuous person in whom are the qualities that are beloved to people.
Do not think that people love without reason or without return, but they love the person in whom the qualities they love are concentrated… They love the holy person, the courageous person, the successful person, and the intelligent person… Therefore let there be in you beautiful qualities… Then people will love you because of them… Therefore if you want people to love you, first reform yourself…
Correct the faults in you that people dislike; then people will love you…
If someone confronts you with a fault, do not be angry, but examine yourself well; perhaps this fault is in you. Then thank the one who pointed it out to you and do not be saddened by him…
9- If you want people to love you, bear with people.
Do not avenge yourself, do not repay evil with the same, and do not become angry with one who offends you… Every person has weaknesses, so bear the weaknesses of people. Do not be quickly annoyed, and do not lose people because of their mistakes, but forgive everyone who wrongs you… When he returns to himself and remembers your forbearance with him, his love for you will increase… And even those who do not return, do not lose them either, but remember the saying of Saint John Chrysostom: “He whose friendship does not agree with you, do not take him as your enemy.”
10- If you want people to love you, be sincere with them, and be wise in your sincerity.
Deal with people with all sincerity, and beware lest your love for them be harmful to them. Let your love be in wisdom. Use praise, but do not use flattery or hypocrisy. Use tenderness, but stay away from harmful indulgence… Be sincere in your love for people. Let your goal be their good, not merely that they love you.
And the loving God is able to pour love into our hearts so that we may love one another as He loved us in His great and spacious heart.
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