Dealing with People
Dealing with People
Dealing with people requires wisdom and understanding of human souls.
It is wise not to treat everyone in the same way, but to deal with each person in the manner that suits them.
The Bible gives us an example regarding dealing with a fool. It mentions two opposite approaches:
“Do not answer a fool according to his folly, lest you also be like him.” (Proverbs 26:4)
“Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own eyes.” (Proverbs 26:5)
In one situation, you answer him; in another, you do not—depending on the circumstances, results, and reactions.
Each person has a distinct temperament, personality, and mentality.
As you walk through life, you encounter different souls that require study and discernment of how to deal with each of them.
It is as if before you are many doors, and each door has a key that fits it—no other key will open it.
Likewise, you face various situations, and each one needs an appropriate approach. Some call for silence, others for a response. Wisdom means knowing when to speak and when silence is better.
There are people whom you can win over by gentle reproach, and others with whom reproach only worsens matters.
The first kind is described in Scripture: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.” (Matthew 18:15) The phrase “if he hears you” implies the possibility that he might not.
About those who do not respond to correction, a poet once said:
“Leave reproach, for many evils began with it.”
When speaking with others, consider both the time and the person’s state.
Sometimes the person is ready to listen, in a peaceful mood, and can respond positively. At other times, he may be troubled, busy, or unprepared for discussion. In that case, it is wiser to wait for another time rather than press him, lest you lose the moment.
Thus, Scripture says, “He who has ears to hear, let him hear.” (Matthew 13:43) So try to speak to those “who have ears to hear,” unless there is a message that must be delivered regardless of the result—like John the Baptist’s message to King Herod: “It is not lawful for you.” (Matthew 14:4)
Also, pay attention to the intention of the one speaking to you or debating with you:
Does he speak sincerely, or is he trying to trap you in your words? (Matthew 22:15)
Some people can be spoken to openly and trustfully, while others must be approached with caution, carefully weighing every word, not answering every question or entering every topic. As Scripture says: “Do not trust them, even though they speak friendly words to you.” (Jeremiah 12:6)
And also, “But Jesus did not commit Himself to them, because He knew all men.” (John 2:24)
Therefore, not everyone can be trusted with your secrets—whether your own or others’.
As St. John Chrysostom said: “Let your friends be a thousand, but your secret with one.” Not everyone can keep a secret. With experience, you learn who is truly discreet.
As the proverb says: “Every secret told to more than two is no longer a secret.”
We see how Samson the mighty was destroyed when he revealed his secret to Delilah, who betrayed him to his enemies (Judges 16), though he loved her deeply. Yet, despite his love, she was not faithful to him.
A wise person also knows with whom to enter discussion.
Some debate out of sincere desire for understanding, in a spirit of love and respect for differing opinions. Others argue merely to provoke, trap, or waste your time.
Scripture warns: “But avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife.” (2 Timothy 2:23)
Another rule in dealing with people:
Do not repay evil with evil.
The Lord Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount:
“Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.” (Matthew 5:44)
And Scripture says: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink.” (Romans 12:20)
“Bless and do not curse… Repay no one evil for evil… Do not avenge yourselves, beloved.” (Romans 12:14, 17, 19)
Joseph the Righteous did not treat his brothers as they treated him—those who threw him into a pit and sold him, wanting to kill him (Genesis 37). He wept when he revealed himself and said, “Do not be grieved nor angry with yourselves because you sold me here; for God sent me before you to preserve life.” (Genesis 45:5)
Later, when they sought forgiveness, he told them, “Do not be afraid… You meant evil against me; but God meant it for good… Now therefore, do not be afraid; I will provide for you and your little ones.” And he comforted them. (Genesis 50:19–21)
David likewise did not treat King Saul as Saul treated him.
Though Saul pursued him and sought his life, David spared him when he had the chance, saying, “Far be it from me before the Lord that I should do this thing to my master, the Lord’s anointed… for he is the anointed of the Lord.” (1 Samuel 24:6–7)
When Saul heard this, “he lifted up his voice and wept, and said to David, ‘You are more righteous than I; for you have rewarded me with good, whereas I have rewarded you with evil.’” (1 Samuel 24:16–17)
Later, when Saul and Jonathan died, David mourned them deeply:
“Saul and Jonathan were lovely and pleasant in their lives, and in their death they were not divided. They were swifter than eagles, stronger than lions… How the mighty have fallen!” (2 Samuel 1:23, 27)
He even cared for Saul’s remaining descendants: “Is there not still someone of the house of Saul, to whom I may show the kindness of God?” (2 Samuel 9:3)
Therefore, respond to enmity with love, as St. John Chrysostom said:
“If one’s friendship is not possible, do not make him your enemy.”
And even if your enemies exploit your gentleness to harm or belittle you, at least do not repay them with evil, as St. Paul said: “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:21)
Some people are gentle until they are hurt, then they explode in anger—like the saying, “Beware the anger of the patient man.” But others remain pure and unshaken, like a steadfast mountain struck by stones, yet unmoved.
Another point: you can win people by humility.
People dislike being spoken to from above or treated with pride. The elders advised Rehoboam: “If you will be a servant to this people today, and serve them, and answer them, and speak good words to them, then they will be your servants forever.” (1 Kings 12:7)
But when he rejected their advice and spoke harshly, the kingdom was divided, and ten tribes left him.
David, as a young man serving under King Saul, was loved by all “because he went out and came in before them.” (1 Samuel 18:16)—he mingled with them humbly.
So do not exalt yourself, no matter how high your status—financial, social, or professional.
Do not grow proud in your own eyes or treat others arrogantly.
What benefit is there in losing people through lack of humility? Listen to Scripture: “He who wins souls is wise.” (Proverbs 11:30)
We are but dust—shall one forget his origin and boast?
Walk humbly with all people, great and small, even children and those lower than you.
Scripture says: “God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” (James 4:6; 1 Peter 5:5)
And the Virgin Mary said: “He has put down the mighty from their thrones, and exalted the lowly.” (Luke 1:52)
Be humble, yet blend humility with wisdom.
If humility leads others to mockery or disrespect, walk wisely—knowing humility never harms, but misused humility might.
Therefore, in all your dealings with people, act with wisdom.
The Apostle Paul, to win souls, adapted his approach:
“To the Jews I became as a Jew… to those without law, as without law… to the weak I became as weak… I have become all things to all men, that I might by all means save some.” (1 Corinthians 9:20–22)
“For though I am free from all men, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win the more.” (1 Corinthians 9:19)
You can win one person through humility, another through firmness, another through kindness, another through a good word, another by helping or defending him, and another through patience. Choose the right way to deal with each one—to win them.
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