She Was Engaged Against Her Will
She Was Engaged Against Her Will
Question
One of my relatives was engaged against her will, under pressure from her family. She ran away from home many times for this reason. Each time, I would return her to her family. The diocesan representative asked her fiancé for letters in order to dissolve the engagement, knowing that he works abroad. However, the representative does not want to dissolve the engagement. We fear for this daughter lest she run away again. What should we do?
Answer
An engagement is not a restriction, nor is it a contract. The consent of the other party is not required to dissolve it.
It is merely a promise of marriage. The engagement period is a period of testing, during which each party sees whether he or she can live in marriage for a lifetime with the other party or not. Therefore, it is not a restriction upon him. If he wishes to dissolve it, he can do so.
It is not the right of the diocesan representative to refuse to dissolve the engagement.
Nor does the matter depend upon the fiancé’s consent. All that is involved is that if the fiancée requests the dissolution of the engagement, she forfeits the engagement jewelry and the fixed, unused gifts. The diocesan representative can take an undertaking from her to return the jewelry and gifts, or leave them at the diocese as a deposit until the fiancé returns from abroad and takes them.
Likewise, delaying the dissolution of the engagement deprives the fiancée of opportunities for another engagement.
It is known that girls have different circumstances from men regarding marriage, whether in terms of age or in terms of the opportunities available. Therefore, delaying the dissolution of the engagement is not in the girl’s interest. It causes harm to her, which a clergyman must not allow.
Therefore, the girl can submit a complaint to the bishop of the diocese or to the Patriarchate.
This is if the diocesan representative insists on not dissolving the engagement. Or she can submit a complaint to the Ecclesiastical Council to resolve this dispute, and to give the girl the right to marry whomever she wishes within the commandments of the Lord.
Marriage cannot take place by coercion. Lack of consent is a cause for the invalidity of marriage.
That is, the consent of both parties to the marriage contract must be established. If the marriage takes place by coercion, the courts may rule it invalid. How much more so the engagement… It is not right to hold the girl back and deprive her of opportunities without just cause. A fiancé must not wrong his fiancée by keeping her tied to him. Rather, it is even more impermissible for a clergyman to join such a fiancé, ask for his consent, or make it a condition.
As for financial problems between them, these have nothing to do with the engagement..
Financial problems are a completely separate matter from the matter of the engagement. There are other ways to resolve them. The fiancé has the right to file a lawsuit to obtain his money if the Church, through its spiritual means, is unable to give him his rights.
The fiancée’s running away from home does not indicate that she is the cause of these problems. Perhaps these problems are related to her family..
The girl’s running away is a lesson for every parent: not to force their daughter into marriage.
They have absolutely no right to make their daughter obey them by marrying someone she does not want and does not love. Neither parent should force her materially, morally, or psychologically, nor threaten her with the illness of one of them, the breakup of the family, or disobedience. It is not permissible for the girl to be a victim of the pressure or threats of her parents.
Suppose she pressured herself and obeyed them. Then the marriage failed and she lived unhappily in it—upon whom would the responsibility for her unhappiness fall? And would the parents’ conscience be at peace with that? Or would God hold them accountable for the blood of this girl?!
And let no one say that love will come after marriage!!
No, for this is an entirely unguaranteed gamble… It is not right to tie the future of an entire life to such an assumption, which will most likely not come true, especially with a girl who ran away from home for this very reason…
And if some give examples of other cases in which marriage took place by coercion and continued… we say to them:
Perhaps that was submission to the reality imposed upon them, accompanied by suffering within the heart. This is an inhumane act.
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