She Loves a Young Man, but He Does Not Know
She Loves a Young Man, but He Does Not Know
Question
A young woman says that she loves a young man who is six years older than she is. Her heart has become attached to him, and he now distracts her from her studies, while he knows nothing about her feelings for him. What should she do?
Answer
The proper purpose of love and attachment between young people is marriage.
But can such a young man marry this young woman when he knows nothing about her love for him? Perhaps her name has never even crossed his mind.
The problem is that if a young man loves a young woman, he can propose to her. A young woman, however, cannot do that.
In other words, a young man can go to the young woman’s father and tell him that he wishes to marry his daughter. There is nothing wrong with this at all, because it is the natural course of events. The young man is the one who takes the initiative. A young woman, however, cannot go to the young man’s family and ask to marry him.
The young woman waits until someone comes to propose to her, and she has the right to accept or refuse.
She does not know who will come or when he will come. Therefore, becoming attached to a young man who is unaware of her feelings causes her psychological distress.
There may also be reasons preventing this young man from marrying her.
Perhaps he is emotionally attached to another young woman, or perhaps his mother or father wants him to marry one of their relatives. It may also be that his social or financial circumstances do not presently allow him to marry. He may have to wait for a period that the young woman cannot reasonably wait through, with neither hope nor promise. Or he may have decided to embrace the monastic life.
Therefore, a young woman’s attachment to a young man who is unaware of her is a cause of psychological and social distress for her.
I advise young women to avoid this kind of imaginary attachment that leads nowhere. Instead, she should pray and say to the Lord: “If You see that this young man is to be my portion, You can prepare the way for that. But if You have prepared another marriage for me, then remove this present attachment from my heart.” She should then wait for what God’s will has prepared for her.
Some young women, however, may say: “We are not merely the passive party in marriage. If we love someone, we can attract his attention so that he will come”.
I say that a young woman who tries in various ways to attract a young man’s attention may drift into immodesty and frivolity. Moreover, such an approach may not succeed with young men, and he may not wish to marry someone of that kind. Instead, he may prefer a modest and reserved young woman.
Therefore, my advice is to stay away from this kind of love and attachment.
You should also avoid the very first step that leads to such attachment.
Do not occupy your mind with a young man when you have no assurance of what your relationship with him will become. Rather, be wise and continually consider the consequences to which your emotions may lead you. Do not walk down a dead-end road.
Wait on the Lord, and on the one whom He sends into your path and sees as suitable for you. Try to occupy your thoughts with other matters instead of becoming attached to a young man who may be completely unaware of you.
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