You have left your first love
Our meditation topic in the previous issue was about the Lord’s saying:
“Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love” (Revelation 2:5).
And we mentioned the first reason for leaving the first love, which is leniency with sin, through lack of vigilance and carefulness. We continue our discussion on the same topic:
You have left your first love
Many people have left their first love and gone astray because they abandoned humility; thus grace left them, and they fell…
A spiritual person begins his life with God in humility and contrition. He enters the church with the image of the tax collector who stood afar off, not daring even to raise his eyes to heaven, beating his breast, saying:
“God, be merciful to me a sinner.”
But once he walks with the Lord for some steps, during which grace preserves him from falling, he begins to forget his sin… And once he receives power from the Holy Spirit, through which he serves, Satan fights him with pride, transforming him from the image of the tax collector to that of the Pharisee who said: “I thank You, Lord, that I am not like other men—extortioners, unjust, adulterers.”
If a person becomes puffed up or loses his humility and contrition, grace departs from him, so that when he falls, he feels his weakness and returns again to humility.
Keep your humility, my brother, continually. For if you become great in your own eyes, or in the eyes of people, or if you think you have passed the stages of repentance, then you are in danger of what may come upon you.
The one who walks correctly in the spiritual path is the person who always feels his weakness. His heart is constantly contrite, and tears are always in his eyes. He asks the Lord for forgiveness and for help, and he never forgets his weaknesses.
The person who forgets his weaknesses is to falling. And the one who thinks he is stronger than sin—how easily he falls into it! For the Scripture says about sin that it has “cast down many wounded, and all who were slain by her were strong.”
The one who repents and spends a period in repentance, then thinks that sin no longer exists in his life, nor has power over him—this person does not yet know the wars of demons, nor does he remember how mighty ones have fallen after choosing the life of fellowship with the Holy Spirit.
The prophet and king David, upon whom the Spirit of the Lord came, who became the Lord’s anointed and God’s chosen, and in whom the power of the Lord worked—he fell at a certain time, although he was a man of prayer and psalms…
David did not fall when he was humiliated by Saul—weak, poor, and unable to protect himself. Rather, he fell when he was strong, dwelling in palaces, sending the army to fight while he remained watching from the rooftops! When his humility left him even a little, sin came to him and found him unfortified and unprepared.
If you feel your weakness, the power of God comes upon you. But if you feel your strength, the power of God leaves you to your own strength so that you may become humble.
Thus, one of the reasons for falling is the person’s departure from humility, from spiritual poverty, from a life of tears, and from a life of repentance…
This poor person thinks he has passed the stage of repentance and entered purity, holiness, righteousness, and the path of perfection, and has begun in the stages of contemplation, amazement, and divine revelations, and no longer needs repentance, but rather leads others to it…
No, my beloved, the life of repentance should accompany you all your life. And if you think you are greater than sin, then you have fallen into the sin of pride.
The one who admires himself—his fall is easy. Demons can overcome him. Sometimes this self-admiration comes from a life of service in the church.
Previously, you used to enter the church feeling unworthy, standing ashamed of yourself, imagining that all people look at you in wonder, saying, “Who brought this stranger here?!”
But now you are a prominent servant. You enter the church with confidence, as one of its leaders. You imagine that eyes are directed toward you—you who speak, grace is on your lips, and the Spirit of God works in your heart and your words! Many come to know God through you! You have service and responsibilities in the church!
Your former contrition is gone. You have become a great man among the responsible. Your tears have dried up. You raise your voice, rebuke this one and that, manage and organize!
And now you may judge this one and that, and pass judgment on others in the name of holy zeal for the church’s interest. Amid good management, will, and teaching, you no longer remember your former sins!
Previously, you were concerned with the salvation of your soul. Now all your concern is focused on others, and you have forgotten this soul until it has dried and grown cold…
Previously, you struggled to repent. Now you struggle to become an example and a model for others… You used to look at others and desire the virtues in their lives; now you want to be a lesson so that people may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven…
Your goals have changed, and your image has also changed. Would that you place before you the Lord’s saying: “Blessed are the poor in spirit…” Are you now living in this beatitude, or are you seeking other beatitudes?!
The one who walks in spiritual poverty does not forget vigilance and carefulness, nor his weaknesses and shortcomings. Rather, he sets his sin before him always, and remembers how Solomon fell though he was the wisest of his time, and how Samson fell though the Spirit of the Lord had come upon him, and how our father Abraham weakened and said of Sarah that she was his sister.
Therefore, if a feeling comes to you that you have been delivered from your sins, say: I am still weighed and found wanting, and I need the vigilance of beginners.
This feeling fills you with spiritual fervor, makes you walk in a life of carefulness, and leads you to pray continually to receive help and to be overshadowed by the Lord under His wings. Thus you keep your fervor and your love.
If you live in a life of contrition, you will never judge others, because you are occupied with your sins, not with the sins of people. Always remember that judging others cools spiritual fervor.
If you begin to judge others, thinking they fall into what you have avoided, then the grace of God will depart from you so that you may feel your weakness and realize that it is very possible for you to fall into everything others fall into. You are not better than those who fall. The only thing is that the Lord has kept certain battles away from you because of your weakness, or has given you victory so that you do not fall into despair.
Instead of judging others, pray from the depths of your heart and say: Save me, O Lord, and save them. How easy it is for me to fall into what they fall into if Your grace leaves me or if the battle intensifies against me.
Thus you preserve your spiritual fervor, escape judgment, pride, and inner vanity, and do not abandon your love for them nor your love for God. In your sense of weakness, divine grace helps you.
While you build for the Kingdom, do not forget yourself. Do not think that virtues are things you train your disciples in, but not yourself.
Do not be like the righteous Job who offered burnt offerings for his children and did not offer for himself, saying, “Perhaps my sons have sinned,” without saying in his heart: Perhaps I also have sinned and need an offering like them!
How many forget themselves amid their concern for others!
They think sin is what others commit, not what they themselves commit. Thus they lose their fervor and contrition, forget the salvation of their souls, move away from a life of tears and spiritual care, and their first love grows cold, so they fall…
Sometimes, when a person sets himself as an example to others, he speaks about himself and about God’s work in him, and falls into self-righteousness, whether he feels it or not!!
By speaking about himself, he loses humility and contrition, and his heart is lifted up. My brother, if you want to speak about God’s work, speak about His work with people; there is no need to speak about yourself. The Apostle Paul, when he explained his spiritual experience, said: “I know a man in Christ…” and did not say “I.”
How dangerous it is to speak about yourself! Such talk harms you and cools your spirituality. Most who spoke about themselves fell.
The phrase “Go and tell what great things the Lord has done for you” was not said about spiritual experiences, but about miracles or healings.
Speaking about a miracle of healing does not exalt the heart because it is God’s work. But speaking about personal spiritual experiences, repentance, and spiritual encounters reveals the self clearly, even if covered with talk about grace. It distances contrition and humility and leads a person into self-righteousness, even if the Pharisee begins by saying, “I thank You, O God…”
Beware of the tricks of Satan to make you fall. Do not think his tricks are obvious; it was said about the serpent that it was more cunning than all the beasts of the field.
Sin does not come to you as sin, otherwise you would reject it. Rather, it may come in the form of a virtue, in sheep’s clothing, to deceive you! Pride may come in the form of glorifying God, under the pretext of encouraging people and speaking about grace!
Therefore, if you walk in God’s way, do not think that you have reached certain levels in it. Deny yourself and forget all that you have done…
The Apostle Paul says: “I do not count myself to have apprehended… but I press on.”
If Paul the Apostle is still pressing on, what about you? I think you have not yet begun, nor walked in the way. This feeling gives you zeal to begin and zeal to work.
Many saints used to say that they had not yet begun, like Saint Arsenius, who prayed saying: “O Lord, grant me to begin.”
Sometimes we hear someone say, “When I began my path with God ten years ago…” No, my brother. It is better to say that you want to begin. Who said that that beginning you claim was a true beginning?
If you want to speak about yourself, speak about your sins. This is better than speaking about your spiritual experiences.
Do not make your speech centered on yourself. In speaking about yourself, you forget your love for God. What has your self achieved? Nothing. One of the causes that also cool your spirituality is the change of the spiritual image.
Previously, your concern was to sit with God, love Him, befriend Him, live with Him, and abide in Him and He in you. But now you think about how to comfort your conscience. What does it mean to comfort the conscience? Is it a matter of conscience, or a matter of love? Are you afraid of the rebuke of conscience, or are you longing for the love of God?!
An article by His Holiness Pope Shenouda III – in El-Keraza Magazine – Year Eight (Issue Forty-Five), 11-11-1977
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