Poems, Hymns, and Songs

Leave Me Now

From the Memoirs of a Monk
1. Leave Me Now

“This article is not for everyone; it is a certain spiritual level. Those who are below it do not benefit from it.”

Here I am, O Lord, continually interfering in matters that do not concern me. I do not mean interfering in the affairs of others—how they behave and how You deal with them—although I often fall into this mistake. Rather, I mean my interference in the affairs of my own self, matters that do not concern me as much as they concern You.

My soul is not my own; it is Yours. You purchased it with Your precious blood, so it became Yours. It is no longer for me to interfere in its affairs, for You govern it according to Your good and blessed will.

Therefore, it is fitting for me to look on and glorify You.

When will the time come when I do not interfere in the affairs of my soul, but rather leave it to You—when You lead me as a captive, and as You fashion me, so shall I be? When will I be satisfied with the state You have chosen for me, and no longer press You to change it as though You were unaware of what is good for me?!

When will my prayer be transformed from asking into thanksgiving? Or when will I search for something to ask for and find nothing, because I find nothing better for me now than what I am in?

When will the time come when my only work is not to work at all, but to leave myself in Your hands and forget it there, remembering only those two hands that formed me and made me, and that used to be laid upon each one and heal him?

When will I believe in You with complete faith, entrusting You with my life to govern it as You will, You who are the Maker of good things, without inserting myself into this work of Yours, spying on You to see what You are doing with me, and how You are doing it, and whether Your work is acceptable or not, and whether it calls for my intervention or not?!

Ah, O Lord, how insolent I am in my behavior toward You! I am ignorant, yet I interfere in the works of Your wisdom, trying to stop them in order to carry out my foolish counsel!! How much wiser I would be if I were silent and took from You the position of a spectator, not that of a partner. Then I would see wonders of Your wisdom.

I think much about myself, O Lord, and I think scarcely at all about You. I trust myself greatly, and I trust You scarcely at all. My self is my idol—when will it be shattered so that I may worship You in true worship? If I do not shatter this idol myself because it is beautiful in my eyes, or because it is very beloved to me, then You, O Lord, shatter it. Then there will remain no rival to You in my heart, so that I may love You, and no rival to You in my faith, so that I may worship You.

If I were to think of You as much as I think of myself, and if I were to rely on You as much as I rely on my own ability, and if I were to love You as much as I love myself, then I would become a saint greater than all the saints the world has known.

When will You free me, O Lord, from myself? When? Not so that I may become a saint, but so that I may find You. When will my soul go out of prison, and You release Your servant in peace? When will I lose myself for Your sake, that I may find You? And then I will find it in You. When will I destroy myself for Your sake? Then it would live by You. When will I look at myself and not find it, but find You instead? When will I look at it and see You? And when will I look at the world and see You? And at people and see You? And You become for me all in all, and none besides You.

It perishes and You remain, and all of it grows old like a garment, and like a cloak You will fold it up and it will be changed. But You are the same, and Your years do not fail.

They said to me, “Know yourself,” and they said to me, “Enter into yourself.” Ah, O Lord, this self of mine is the cause of all my troubles. When will I enter into it and not find it?!

How many times have I looked at myself and found it hanging on the cross, motionless. And when I looked closely at it, I saw You, and I rejoiced. I did not rejoice in myself because it inherited the kingdom, but I rejoiced in You because I found You.

And it seems to me that I will not find You every time except there, in the valley of the shadow of death, because if I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, You are with me. You created us for life, but by our sin we chose death for ourselves. And behold, You—the simple One, before whom all things are pure—sanctify death and make it for us a door to life!! Indeed, it is the only door to life. “He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.” “Deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow Me.”

In the first year of my monastic life, I read in the writings of Your saints that monasticism is: detachment from all in order to be attached to the One. To the extent of my ability, I imprisoned myself away from the world and people. But this did not lead me to attachment to You, because I did not enter into solitude for Your sake, but for my own sake—either that it might be satisfied with itself or that people might be satisfied with it.

But in the second year I understood the meaning of detachment from all in another interpretation: detachment from myself, because I make it, for me, the all in all.

And in the third year, what meaning will I know for this phrase? I do not know. Would that I might have forgotten it and forgotten thinking about its meaning because of being utterly occupied with You.

I used to say about my gathering with the brethren that by our gathering together here on earth, we hinder ourselves from being occupied with God. Perhaps we thereby cause ourselves not all to gather there with Him in eternity.

And now I want to say that my gathering with myself is what hinders me even more.

I feel that I need, from time to time, whenever I am alone with myself, to say to it, “Leave me now, for this is good for us. Leave me so that I may be alone with God, and thus I may enjoy His promise to abide in me.” So I sit not with myself, but with God who dwells in my self.

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1. An article by His Grace Anba Shenouda, Bishop of Education – Al-Keraza Magazine – First Year – Issue Six, August 1965