When I Sit with Myself
We are now in the final days of the month of December, and in a few days we will bid farewell to the year ’74. Before we begin the new year, we need a quiet session with the self, an accounting, and repentance…
We often sit with one another, but it is important that each person sit alone with himself…
Perhaps some of you may ask: What do I do when I sit with myself?
When I Sit with Myself
I notice that many people may obtain vacation days—for rest, or recreation, or to take care of certain matters, or for family reasons…
But it is rare to find a person who asks for a day off in order to sit with himself, to withdraw, and to think about his life and his eternal destiny…!!
We need a quiet session with the self, or with God, so that we may examine ourselves before Him, and see what we have done, and what we ought to do.
In this session, we remember our sins, as Saint Anthony the Great said:
“If we remember our sins, God forgets them for us; and if we forget them, God remembers them for us.”
We examine ourselves and judge them with justice, as Saint Macarius said:
“Judge yourself, my brother, before they judge you.”
It is a session of accounting, a session of a just judge, a session of an honest conscience, in which the soul discusses its relationship with itself, and its relationships with God and with people… and it tries to emerge from all this with a wise plan by which it proceeds in its life.
There are people who live in a whirl, or in a maze, or in a coma…
They do not know what state they are in. They do not know how they walk, or where they walk, or to where… Yesterday hands them over to today, and today hands them over to tomorrow, without their taking leadership over themselves, as though they are in a coma regarding their eternity, their spirituality, and the course of their path. They need to sit, even for a little while, with themselves, to contemplate their condition and to manage their affairs…
There are those who examine themselves at the end of every year, and those who examine themselves at the end of every day. And there are those who examine themselves immediately after every action. The wisest of all these is the one who examines himself regarding the action before he does it. If we cannot reach this level of precision, then at least on the occasion of the new year we should sit and examine ourselves.
In this session, do not try to justify yourself, or to seek excuses for yourself, or to attribute your mistakes to surrounding external circumstances, or to obstacles, or to stumbling blocks, or to others and their interference in your life…
Every human being possesses an angry energy. The wise person directs this energy toward himself and his mistakes, while the foolish person directs his angry energy toward people and toward circumstances. As for you, if you become angry, first of all be angry with yourself. Direct blame toward it in all its falls, and do not excuse it at all.
With yourself, be extremely firm and do not excuse it. And with people, be extremely forgiving, and try to find an excuse for them…
The affliction of man in his spirituality is that he flatters himself more than he should.
He holds himself dear, and sees himself as beautiful in his own eyes. He continually sees himself as right, and sees all the fault in others. If he clashes with someone else, then that other must be the one at fault…! How much man flatters himself! How much he complains about people, about the world, and about corrupt situations. Even if he falls, he is not the cause; rather, the cause lies in the surrounding circumstances!!
But as for you, do not justify yourself. This self-righteousness will not benefit you.
The sins that you confess are the ones that are forgiven for you. But if you say that you have not sinned, you have distanced yourself from the forgiveness that the Lord has prepared for sinners.
The Lord said: “I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance,” and “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick.” If you are among those sinners, or among those sick, then you have a share in the salvific work of Christ. But if you are righteous, then you are not in need of Christ to heal you and strengthen you… What is your relationship to the blood of Christ if you are righteous?! No relationship at all…
If you confess—even between yourself and yourself—that you are a sinner, you will work to correct your mistakes. But if you believe that you are righteous and without error, you will remain as you are, without reform…
Your searching for your mistakes is a sign of spiritual health. Every point at which you discover error is close to correction. Therefore, do not justify yourself. Search for your mistakes, study them, uncover them, present them to the heavenly Physician. Rebuke yourself for them, so that you do not return to them again.
Say to yourself: My justifying myself will not benefit me, and will not make me advance in my spiritual life. Therefore, do not flatter yourself when you sit with yourself. Even if there are obstacles, what is the extent of your surrender to these obstacles? And if there are stumbling blocks, what is the extent of your response to them? And if there are hindering external circumstances, what is the extent of your struggle, your conflict, and your toil, in order to overcome them? …
Sit with yourself. Review your entire life: your sins, your worship, the extent of your spiritual growth, the reasons for your falls, the methods of treatment.
And be firm; remove the causes that lead you to sin. And as the Scripture says: “If your right eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out and cast it from you… and if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and cast it from you” (Matthew 5:29–30). If those who cause you to stumble are friends, or loved ones, or relatives, then remember the Lord’s saying: “He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me”… and in summary, “Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent and be watchful” (Revelation 2:5).
Sit with yourself a decisive session, in which you determine your goals and your means, evaluate your deeds and your principles, and place for yourself a plan of action.
The prodigal son remained in his loss until he sat with himself a decisive session, in which he reviewed the misery of his condition, decided to return to his father, and returned. Saint Augustine had a decisive session with himself that changed the course of his life to the opposite, transforming him from a corrupt young man far from God into a deep spiritual leader… And so you too, sit with yourself this decisive session…
Let your sitting with yourself not be for accounting only, but for discipline as well…
There are people who understand forgiveness in an incorrect way, such that they sin and do not want to bear the consequence of their sins, the results and responsibility of their deeds. They sin and do not endure discipline. One of them does not want to toil because of his past, nor to suffer because of his mistakes. He thinks that forgiveness is merely God’s waiving of the punishment of sin… All this does not agree with the spiritual or theological concept. For if forgiveness were merely God’s waiving of His rights, then why the Incarnation? And why the Cross and redemption?! Therefore, sin must receive its punishment. If we cannot bear the eternal punishment, the Lord will erase it with His blood; but at least we should receive punishment on earth.
Therefore, discipline yourself; do not forgive yourself easily. And know that the sin that does not receive its due punishment, and over which the soul is not crushed and humbled, how easy it is for a person to return to it again…
Do not say that this sin was committed in the past, and it passed and ended, and I received absolution and forgiveness for it!! No; rather, rebuke yourself for it continually. Remember that the prophet David drenched his bed with his tears for long periods, after he heard the judgment of forgiveness from God through Nathan… Yet despite this forgiveness, his tears became his drink day and night, his soul became small in his own eyes, and he continued to rebuke it for a time that was his whole lifetime, saying: “My sin is ever before me.”
And you likewise: do not pamper yourself, do not flatter yourself, do not be lax with it, and do not forgive it easily. Be severe and firm with it…
Do not say that this is a simple sin, or a trivial or small sin. Every sin is a revolution against God, a rebellion against Him, a betrayal of Him, a separation from Him, and a lack of love. Every sin is impurity, defilement, fall, and weakness. Do not think that only adultery or immorality defiles a person; even a slip of the tongue defiles him, because the Lord has said: “But what comes out of the mouth defiles a man”…
Therefore be strong, and do not allow sin to triumph over you…
Do not weaken before the wars of Satan. Be a man, and fight the wars of the Lord with courage and steadfastness, not only in sins of action and tongue, but even in thought as well, as the Apostle Paul said: “bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ”…
And if you sin, rebuke yourself. Do not wait until rebuke comes to you from outside; rather, begin with it yourself. And be severe.
But in your rebuke and discipline of yourself, beware of the devil of despair:
If Satan finds you in a state of repentance, he will enter to hinder your path. Either he will minimize the seriousness of the sin and make the matter seem light to you, in order to lead you to carelessness and indifference, or he will take an opposite path. If he finds you rebuking yourself severely and blaming yourself harshly, how easy it is for him to enter with you and assist you in his own way, exaggerating the sin and its punishment, and the extent of your responsibility, and speaking about your weakness and negligence, until he leads you to despair, making you feel that you are of no use, or that there is no forgiveness for you, or no rising from your fall. As the prophet David cried in the psalm: “Many are saying of my soul, ‘There is no salvation for him in his God’” (Psalm 3).
Judas Iscariot regretted his sin, returned the money, and confessed, saying: “I have sinned by betraying innocent blood.” But Satan did not leave him; rather, he turned the regret into despair, then suicide, and thus destroyed himself.
Therefore, examine yourselves, discipline them, and rebuke them, within the limits of hope and redemption. And if you find despair approaching you, know that Satan has entered with you into the accounting and the disciplining.
In this year I say to you that the Church needs saints whose presence is a blessing to it. The Lord is pleased with the Church because of them.
We are in need of such people to be a blessing to the Church and to the people.
We have many preachers, many teachers and researchers, many reformers and servants. But we are in need of saints who are a blessing…
Make this year new for you in everything. Live it with a new heart and a new mind. Do not be concerned only with being merely repentant in it, but rather walk toward perfection.
Repentance is the first step, but it is not everything. It is merely the beginning of a life of holiness that does not end. It is not right that you spend your entire life struggling with sin. End this struggle and enter the path of perfection. And may the Lord be with you. And every year and you all be well.
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An article by His Holiness Pope Shenouda III – in Al-Keraza Magazine – Sixth Year (First Issue), 3-1-1975.
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