A Session with the Self
As we celebrate today the blessed Feast of Nayrouz, marking the beginning of a new year of the Coptic Church, and as we rejoice in the feast, our joy is meant to be a spiritual joy—the joy of the soul in its connection with God…
Thus each of us takes advantage of his joy at the beginning of a new year to sit with himself, to care about his destiny, and to try to change his life…
It is an opportunity in which we sit with ourselves—a starting point in which we try to begin a relationship with the Lord.
A Session with the Self
It is good for a person to look for an opportunity to sit with himself.
Some do this at the beginning of a new year, or on their birthday, or on the day of their baptism, or on the anniversary of their marriage, or on any prominent occasion, in order to think about their life.
The busyness of life sometimes wraps around a person, causing him to forget himself…
He forgets to sit with himself; he forgets to think about his condition and his destiny… He is constantly busy.
Many sessions with the self have been able to lead to repentance:
When the prodigal son was busy with his companions, he continued in his wandering…
He had neither time nor desire to sit with himself. But when he sat with himself one day and examined his condition, he was able to realize the bitter truth and say, “How many hired servants of my father have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger!” Then he arose and went to his father and began a new life.
Likewise, Saint Augustine did not repent while he was caught in the whirlpool of busyness…
The whirlpool of pleasure and companions, then the whirlpool of philosophy. But when he sat with himself, he was able to return to God.
The first work of preachers, fathers, and spiritual guides is to call a person to sit with himself. As for Satan, he tries with all his power to keep you away from this. He fears that you may sit with yourself, know your true state, and thus reach God.
Even sacred occasions and festive seasons, he tries to fully occupy with parties and activities, so that we do not become free to think about ourselves.
How easy it is for us, on the Feast of Nayrouz, to become occupied with talking about the martyrs and their sufferings and forget ourselves… We speak about history and forget reality! The accounts of the martyrs are good, but alongside them, let us think about ourselves.
A person, in his session with himself, needs complete honesty…
Some people are annoyed by the frankness of others. If someone speaks to them frankly about their mistakes, they consider him an enemy…
That is because the love of praise is a prevailing trait in human nature. And if a person does not find someone to praise him, he tries to praise himself and speak about his good deeds…
The prophets suffered greatly, because they spoke to people frankly about their mistakes,
Just as the prophet Jeremiah suffered when people cast him into the mire and mud and also threw him into prison. And just as John the Baptist suffered when he spoke to Herod frankly about the wrongness of his behavior… Saint John Chrysostom said, “Speaking the truth has left me with no friends.”
If people’s frankness with you troubles you, then at least be frank with yourself. Say to it what people want to say to you.
If someone tells you that you are mistaken, you may become upset. But you yourself can say it to your own soul, to judge and condemn it, remembering the saying of Saint Macarius:
“Judge yourself, my brother, before they judge you.”
Examine yourself: what are your mistakes, your shortcomings, and your falls? Be frank, strict, and firm. Do not use your harshness with people, but use it with yourself. And the love of judging, condemning, and analyzing actions—do not use it with people, but use it with yourself.
Self-blame is among the very beneficial virtues and is necessary for salvation…
The problem of the Pharisee was that he did not judge himself, but stood speaking about his virtues even before God: “I thank You, O God, that I am not like other men—extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I possess.”
As for the tax collector, he condemned himself and said, “God, be merciful to me a sinner.”
And just as the tax collector excelled over the Pharisee by condemning himself, so also the thief on the right excelled over his companion when he said, “We indeed justly.”
The saints said, “If we judge ourselves, the Judge will be pleased with us.” And Saint John the Beloved said, “If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:8–9).
What most destroys a person’s spirituality is justifying oneself to oneself…
This was the problem of Job. Likewise, Adam and Eve erred when each tried to excuse himself…
Therefore, just as you stay away from people’s praise of you, stay away from the praise that comes from yourself. Do not justify yourself, and do not excuse it…
Once, some monks of Scetis went to Saint Sarah and spoke to her about their weaknesses. She said to them, “Truly, you are Scetis monks, for the virtues that are in you, you hide; and the vices that are not in you, you attribute to yourselves.”
If some saints attribute to themselves mistakes that they do not have, then at least confess the sins that you do have, and do not justify them…
Why do many sinners continue in their sins? For many reasons, among them that most sinners see themselves as beautiful and good in their own eyes. They always defend their actions and do not blame themselves. They do not feel deep inside that they are mistaken; therefore, they continue in their sins.
As for you, care to condemn yourself, because this helps you to repent, brings you humility and contrition of heart, and enables you to confess.
Many people, if they discover a sin in themselves, try to place the blame on others, in order to divert the course toward that other person, forgetting what they themselves have done—just as Adam diverted the blame toward Eve, forgetting his own sin, and just as Eve did with regard to the serpent…
Blaming others does not justify you, even if that other person is indeed blameworthy… What matters is what you have done, because you are accountable for it.
Do not resort, then, to the policy of diversion, justification, excuses, or placing blame on others. Do not diminish the value of sin, do not philosophize it, and do not try to hide behind intention or good will… Do not widen your conscience so that it swallows certain sins you do not want to bear responsibility for or face their consequences. Every sin you know about yourself—leave aside the surrounding circumstances, leave aside excuses and others, and focus on your own part.
For if you cannot confess between yourself and yourself that you have sinned, how can you confess this before people or before the priest?
When the prophet David was cursed unjustly by Shimei the son of Gera, he said, “The Lord has said to him, ‘Curse David,’” and considered himself worthy of those curses. Thus he remembered his sins and did not divert his feelings or his thoughts to the sin of Shimei son of Gera in cursing him.
There is no doubt that self-blame trains its owner in the virtue of endurance.
Therefore, if someone blames you for something, blame yourself inwardly, so that there may be harmony between your inner self and your outer behavior, and thus you reach endurance and also reach humility (as Saint Anthony explained).
Try to benefit from people’s blame of you, from their criticism and rebuke. Perhaps by this they reveal to you faults within you that need treatment, which you were not aware of by yourself…
Beware of self-justification, for it has many harms, including:
It leads to carelessness, negligence, and the widening of the conscience, and the loss of discernment between good and evil. It also leads to continuing in sin as long as it has something that justifies it, and this continuation may turn into a habit or a disposition, ending in hardness of heart.
Also beware of praise, for it may turn into a cover with which you wrap your sins, so that you do not see them and see only your virtues…
Thus you see only the bright aspects of your life that bring you praise and do not see the shortcomings that cause you contrition of heart and lead you to repentance. Say to yourself: the praise of people for me will not benefit me at all, and the praise of myself for myself will also not benefit me…
Your sitting with yourself aims at purifying the soul, not justifying it.
And the first step of purification is discovering the weaknesses of the soul, blaming it for them, knowing the reasons for its falls and avoiding them, presenting all the weaknesses of the soul before God so that He may grant strength, and presenting all its sins before Him in repentance and contrition, so that He may grant absolution and forgiveness.
Just as you repent of your sins in the new year, repent also of the days that were lost and cannot be regained again…
Every day that passes from your life has passed and ended. You may regret it, you may weep over it, you may repent of what happened in it, you may try to compensate for what you lost in it, but you can never retrieve it. Therefore, guard your days lest they be lost in vain…
As for your sacred and enlightened days, they have never been lost. They are treasures preserved for you—spiritual riches that benefit you in your future…
Your days that you spent in prayers, meditation, praises, spiritual readings, spiritual meetings, and spiritual work of whatever kind—these are stored provisions that you can draw upon at any time to nourish you. They are also a solid foundation upon which you build in the future, and beautiful experiences that benefit you in all your relationships with God. Your spiritual days are eternal days; they have not been lost and have not died.
In your session with yourself, do not focus only on the past in terms of accounting and regret, but also place a wise plan for the future, based on your condition and your experiences—a plan marked by great precision.
In planning for the future, do not get lost in many details; rather, focus first on the mother virtues that contain within them the rest of the virtues, such as the virtue of love or the virtue of faith. For if you grasp one of them in its depth, you will grasp the whole of life.
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