The Etiquette of Conversation and Discussion
We spoke in previous issues about silence and speech: when a person should speak, and when he should be silent, and the benefits of silence, the benefits of speech, and the qualities of good speech. And today we speak about “the etiquette of conversation and discussion”…
The Etiquette of Conversation and Discussion
† If you are in the midst of a group, be the last to speak. Prefer others over yourself:
Do not think that you are the best among those present, or the most capable of speaking, and do not begin speaking. Do not try to answer every question directed to you or to others. Wait until the others speak, and in your speech take the last place, especially if there are those who are older than you in age, or higher than you in position, or more knowledgeable than you. And follow the saying of the Fathers in The Paradise of the Fathers:
If you sit among the elders, do not speak. And if you are asked your opinion on something, say: “I do not know.”
Elihu the son of Barachel the Buzite, in the story of the righteous Job, sat silent, letting Job and his three friends speak (28 chapters), and he did not open his mouth, because they were “older than he in days.” And finally he opened his mouth when all of them failed in their speech, and said to them: “I am young in days, and you are elderly. Therefore I feared, and was afraid to declare my opinion to you. I said: Days should speak, and multitude of years should teach wisdom” (Job 32:6–7).
† Wait until you study the conversation taking place before you, and only then, if you speak, your words will have weight, because you did not speak quickly.
And your delay in speaking has two aims: courtesy and wisdom.
† If they invite you to speak, you may reply with polite expressions:
“The blessing is in you all.” – “How can I speak while so-and-so is present?” – “Let so-and-so speak, for he understands this subject more than I do.” – “I wish to listen and benefit.” – “In truth, I have not studied this subject well.” – “I fear that if I speak, I will waste your time.”
† Let this humility be in your heart before you utter it with your tongue.
And if you speak in this manner, let your words be with sincere feelings, not in an artificial way, but rather a true expression of what is in the depths.
† And if you see that you do not deserve to speak, then it is even more fitting that you do not interrupt another during his speech.
Do not silence someone else so that you may speak. For this shows disrespect for the one speaking, or disrespect for his speech, or confidence in yourself and preference of yourself over him. And if you interrupt him, he will not be prepared to listen to you. You may both end up exchanging interruptions without benefit…
† If you sit to speak with a group, do not take the gathering for yourself alone.
Give others the opportunity to speak and express their opinions. Do not make them feel that they are strangers in your gathering. Rather, ask someone else to speak, and say to him with kindness: “We are pleased to hear your opinion.” Do not think that the rest of those present do not understand like you do. Do not place yourself as the one steering the course of the conversation, accepting the opinions that please you and rejecting what does not please you…
† If someone errs in speech, do not expose him, or wound him, or mock him, or deal with his mistakes harshly.
Do not crush people. Take the good in their speech and leave the rest. Present the correct view with positivity and dignity, without crushing those who hold other views. Praise the white points in the speech of the one who erred before you address his mistakes. Then mention your opinion beside his, not over his ruins.
Christianity is not merely a cross we hang on our chests or stamp on our hands, but a holy life hidden within us, appearing radiant in our actions and words…
† Do not think that all honor lies in speaking, or initiating speech, or leading the conversation and controlling it…!
† Perhaps your silence is more honorable for you before people than your speech.
† You may begin speaking impulsively and without study, and someone else who studied the subject more than you stands and analyzes your opinion and criticizes it, showing its mistakes. Whereas if you had delayed your speech until you first heard what others said, your words would have been more cautious, and you would have preserved your dignity.
† Beware of claiming knowledge of everything and participating in every topic… There is no shame in some fields to say, “I do not know.”
There are expressions that never diminish your worth, but show your honesty and precision, bringing people’s respect for you. Such as: “In fact, I have not studied this point.” – “I am not sure of this point.” – “This subject I prefer to hear about…”
† Thank others for every useful word you hear from them:
And let this be from you with a good spirit and a gentle smile, such as: “Thank you for this useful information.” – “I benefited a lot today from this conversation.” – “Truly, you have studied this subject beautifully…”
† If you know what your speaker will say, do not embarrass him and silence him:
Rather listen to his words calmly as if you were hearing them for the first time. Show admiration for the opinion as long as it deserves admiration. Do not precede him in speech, cutting off his words and embarrassing him.
† Do not praise yourself while speaking, nor say it in a way that calls for praise.
And let not the purpose of your speech be people’s praise of you. Let there not be in it a spirit of boasting and self-admiration. And in speaking of every good deed you did, do not forget the effort made by others who shared with you in the success of the work. Do not forget the grace of God that assisted you. Do not focus on yourself alone. This does not align with humility, and the listener does not feel at ease with it…
† In your speech with people, let there be for you the virtue of good listening.
Many people want someone to hear them, and they look for an ear that listens to them. Even if you know everything they will say, it is enough that you listen, and they are pleased with that. So give others the opportunity to speak.
† And if you speak, let your voice be calm, balanced, and meek.
Stay away from a loud voice unless necessary, for when God spoke to Elijah, He spoke “with a low, gentle whisper” (1 Kings 19:12).
Stay away from loud noise, and know that the strength of speech is in its logic and persuasiveness, not in its loudness and harshness.
† And in discussions: if you find the truth on the other side, do not resist it stubbornly.
Acknowledge the truth and do not argue falsely. False argument makes you lose people’s respect and stirs them against you. And you will not be spiritual in doing so…
† In discussion, “let your goal not be to defeat people and conquer them.”
What is more beneficial is to win them and convince them, not to lose them even if you win the argument. An example is Saint Didymus the Blind, who was able to guide many pagan philosophers to the faith through his courteous manner.
Some people think victory lies in crushing their opponent, making others laugh at him, and belittling him. But the successful person is the one who wins his debater, and thus wins the debate. Only the obstinate and the proud are ashamed.
If your opponent yields his opinion, let him withdraw without humiliation:
Do not try to disgrace him or make him feel defeated, nor give that impression to those listening. Do not cause anyone embarrassment. What matters is that you reach the truth with him, not that you elevate yourself.
† There are matters in which you should speak to others privately:
Some discussions are more successful and more beneficial in private. As the Lord said: “And if your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him between you and him alone” (Matthew 18:15). It is possible that he will admit his mistake before you in private, but he will not do so in front of people…
† Sometimes the method of questions is more beneficial than issuing judgments:
Before issuing a judgment, ask much. There are suggestive questions through which you can convey what you want of information without saying it, and they are lighter on the ear and more acceptable… God Himself used the method of questions.
† In your speech be precise, and choose your words wisely:
Many words you can replace with others that are better and convey the same meaning without error. So be wise in selecting words. Speak with measure. Do not let anyone catch a word against you…
† Let your speech be measured. Preserve your speaker’s time:
It is not appropriate to prolong speech on a subject that does not deserve length. And if you see your speaker busy and wanting to end the conversation but is embarrassed, try to end the conversation yourself politely. And if you find that he has been convinced of an idea, there is no need to continue speaking and explaining lest he become bored.
† And just as you preserve your speaker’s time, preserve also his feelings:
Observe his feelings during the conversation and act accordingly. Know the impact of your words on his ears, how affected he is, and how attentive he is. Direct the conversation according to the situation.
† In your speech with people, do not pressure them to reveal their secrets:
Beware of questions that touch people’s private lives. Do not try to know what you have no right to know. Do not pressure anyone to tell you what he insists on keeping hidden from his personal secrets or the secrets of his family or friends.
† Do not be persistent in a way that tires the one speaking to you:
If you find him unprepared for what you want, do not insist on achieving your desire at that moment, disregarding the nerves of your speaker. Rather, postpone the subject to another occasion in which he may be more receptive. People generally are annoyed by those who persistently pressure them.
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An article by His Holiness Pope Shenouda III – Al-Keraza Magazine – Seventh Year (Issue Six), 6-2-1976.
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