The Ideal Family
The Ideal Family
The Engagement Period
Engagement is not one of the sacraments of the Church, nor is it a binding contract between two people. It is simply an agreement and a promise of marriage.
The engagement period is a time for getting to know each other, a time of affection and friendship, and a time of preparation for marriage.
Some people understand preparation for marriage in a material sense—buying furniture, clothes, and arranging a home. They focus on financial agreements and worldly matters that distract them from the spiritual aspect.
But spiritual preparation during engagement is much more important — it is the preparation of the two hearts to become one heart, one direction, and one purpose, so that they may, through marriage, become one body, united in one home.
This cannot happen unless the engagement period truly becomes a time of mutual understanding — when each person learns to know and understand the other, to ensure that their temperaments and values are compatible, and that a shared life is possible. And if differences exist, they should work together toward reconciliation.
It is a period in which both should strive to build a foundation of friendship and love on which their marriage will stand. A marriage that is not built on compatibility, friendship, and love is destined to fail.
This compatibility must include temperament, education, age, ideals, and spiritual life in all its dimensions.
Engagement helps in confirming compatibility, but it is best to ensure it as much as possible before engagement.
It is a dangerous mistake for parents to think that compatibility will automatically come after marriage through living together—it may not, and conflicts may grow worse. What then would be the result?
Each person must enter engagement with open eyes and discernment, fully aware of the importance of knowing the person who will share their entire life.
Engagement is not a time for acting or pretending, when one tries to appear perfect to impress the other. Such false appearances will quickly vanish after marriage, revealing the deception and shaking the relationship.
A wise fiancé or fiancée will carefully observe and understand the other’s character—discerning habits and traits without being intrusive.
One of the greatest mistakes that blinds people during engagement is being consumed by emotional excitement that occupies the senses and clouds the mind, preventing clear judgment about the other person’s true nature.
The wise fiancé uses this time to study his future partner deeply, to see whether he or she can be a lifelong companion in love and understanding. True engagement should be pure friendship, not possessive attachment.
If through this friendship and mutual understanding the couple become one in thought, feeling, temperament, and purpose, then they are ready to become one body in marriage.
If they do not reach this unity of heart, it is better to delay the marriage until such unity is achieved — if it can be achieved at all.
Continuing the Spirit of Engagement
During engagement, the fiancé is often gentle, affectionate, and considerate — attentive to his fiancée’s feelings and eager to please her.
Why shouldn’t this same spirit continue after marriage?
Too often, after marriage, husbands become less respectful, less tender, and less thoughtful. Their wives no longer see the same politeness, love, and warmth they showed during engagement.
Many husbands justify this change by saying that formality is no longer necessary.
Using “closeness” as an excuse, some stop saying “thank you,” forget kind words, or fail to compliment their wives. Some even make hurtful jokes, use harsh tones, or allow themselves to criticize sharply — all under the pretense of familiarity.
Why can’t a husband continue to treat his wife with the same affection and courtesy he showed during engagement?
And the same applies to the wife — why shouldn’t she also remain as she was during that period?
During engagement, she was gentle and calm, avoiding anger and loud voices, always trying to please and preserve her fiancé’s affection.
How beautiful it would be if she continued in marriage with that same spirit of love, humility, and tenderness.
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