The Mother’s Duty in the Family

A woman has many duties within the family environment; she is obliged to possess elements that must be available so that the family proceeds with a sound method that leads to the family’s happiness and ideal.
So what are the necessary elements for preserving the family and maintaining its safety?

Element of understanding
A woman in the family needs to understand the man’s mentality, psyche, and temperament, and deal with him in a manner befitting this understanding. Likewise the man must understand the woman’s psyche and temperament.
The woman must also understand her children’s psychology at each stage of age, and what style of dealing suits each stage; she must study that, or someone else must make her understand all these conditions.
A women’s committee could issue books explaining children’s psychologies and methods of raising them, and the errors that may arise from them at each stage of life, whether intentionally or unintentionally, and ways to treat those errors. Or the care institute in our church could publish such books or pamphlets. It is known that many educational bodies have cared for this subject and issued many publications about it.
For example, what has been published about the shy child and how to deal with him, or about the mischievous child, the aggressive child, the selfish child, the stubborn child, and the method of dealing with each of them.
However, now is not the place to talk about these matters in detail.

Patience
The mother must also be patient, calm of nerves, and not make her children victims of her psychological state. Her psychological state may be strained at times due to her physical or health circumstances, or due to a disagreement between her and her husband or some acquaintances; it is not permissible for her children to pay the price and endure her psychological fatigue in the form of nervous disturbance or inability to tolerate, if she suffers from ill temper. Her children seeing her in this state is a stumbling block for them. What is their guilt if their mother is then nervous, cannot tolerate a word from them, shouts and scolds, refuses to understand, or perhaps strikes and harms!
Her children may pick up this manner from her in their dealings with one another! While she ought to be their role model in everything and also a means of demonstrating every virtue.
If she becomes angry she must set bounds for her anger and method. Let her anger be for a spiritual reason the children can understand and learn from, and let the anger not devolve into violence, use of unbecoming words, striking, severity, or threats she cannot carry out! If the children realize she cannot carry out her threats, they will mock her inwardly or declare it.

Element of affection (tenderness)
The mother is supposed to be a source of tenderness for her children, and children greatly benefit from being satiated by their mothers’ tenderness so they do not turn to seek tenderness from an outside source we cannot guarantee its safety. The mother’s tenderness should be with wisdom so it does not turn into wrong pampering that harms their upbringing, nor be exploited by the children to behave negligently; finding their mother before them content with any wrongdoing, or that she defends their mistakes before their father and justifies them or covers for them so he does not see them!! Thus the son finds no one to discipline him.
Tenderness also includes the element of giving what the child needs: the mother senses his needs and gives him without being asked. There is no doubt this leaves a good impression in his heart and he returns love for love. But giving must not mix with extravagance and waste; rather it should be within reasonable bounds so that the son does not grow up feeling that whatever he asks is obligatory to fulfill regardless of the family’s circumstances.

Playfulness and its discipline
One of the pleasant things children love is an atmosphere of playfulness at home. The gentle, playful mother wins her children’s love, so that guests and relatives who visit the home, if they are characterized by playfulness, the children love them and gather around them and are delighted by their repeated visits.
If the children do not find playfulness at home, they will look for it outside the family circle, and we cannot guarantee what kind of play they will find and its effect on them.
Playfulness at home should be disciplined so the children become accustomed to play having limits and descriptions; if they exceed in it and depart from moderation, they err and are not met with encouragement by anyone; rather the mother alerts them to their excess in play by a word, a sign, or her discontented expression.
Thus care should be taken with the manner of play, its means, with whom it is, and to what extent. They should understand they may joke with others but not mock them, and distinguish between acceptable and unacceptable humor.
And how scenes of playfulness should not turn into scenes of mockery (Proverbs 1) nor turn into chaos; it should not be at all times or with everyone, because there are times that require seriousness. Departing from seriousness at those times is blameworthy and reproachable.

Element of wisdom
Distinguishing between times of play and times of seriousness and the mother’s regulation of this matter requires wisdom. She should also solve household and children’s problems with wisdom. Some matters require serious maternal intervention, and others are better left for a while so that the mother does not take the position of a policeman in the family circle!!
Some matters she remains silent about until she resolves them later, and others she should take a position on immediately. Some issues she resolves in a private session with one of the children and other things we speak about before everyone so that the others take a lesson and benefit. Some matters need a kind of awareness-raising and explanation.
Wisdom also enters into the topic of punishment.

Punishment and estrangement
Some faults require punishment if they are grave and intentional, while other faults are enough with mere admonition, reproach, guidance, showing displeasure, or warning of punishment if the fault is repeated.
Punishment is necessary because many do not sense the gravity of the fault unless they are punished. Without punishment the wrongdoer may persist in his fault and may reach the point of contempt and recklessness. And God—blessed be His name—has punished many individuals and peoples.
A severe judgment was passed on a high priest because he did not discipline his children; it is the mother’s right to punish, and the father’s right to punish, indeed their duty to do so because they are responsible for their children’s upbringing.
There are kinds of punishment parents use. Some of them may withhold some allowance or gifts from their son, or prevent him from some outings or some pleasures or visits he likes, or prevent him from playing, or from certain friendships. Some parents resort to hitting or insulting when punishing their children; this is undoubtedly an unspiritual method if it is connected with violence, humiliation and wounding feelings, and may bring harmful results if it becomes a continuous approach.
Some may use estrangement or boycotting, so the mother for example remains for a long time not speaking to her son, not listening to him, not answering him if he speaks to her, or she constantly ignores him. Or she teases him during her estrangement by treating one of his siblings kindly and tenderly, and the estrangement or boycott can last and the issue seems without solution.
If the son complains to a relative or friend, she severely reproaches him saying: “You disgrace us among people and spread the family’s secrets outside,” and her estrangement increases. There is no doubt that estrangement and boycott have their harms and dangers. They are negative measures and not a solution to a problem. The son—especially if small—is in a helpless condition and does not know when this estrangement will end or how. They do not give room for understanding or dialogue; if prolonged the matter becomes more complicated.
It seems this method as punishment is only suitable for minutes or hours followed by reproach. What matters in punishment is that it be effective in correcting the son and not merely a venting of suppressed anger or a relief for tense nerves, and the wise mother does not threaten but rather acts wisely combining love and firmness, punishment and cure.
Thus the punishment’s goal is treatment, not mere retribution and penalty. With wisdom the punishment is applied and its bearer knows when it should be, for what reason, whether it is suitable, and to what extent.

Conditions of punishment
First condition
That the son knows he is wrong and deserves punishment; therefore the situation must be clarified to him and the nature of the fault and its consequences explained so that he is convinced. If he does not realize he erred he will feel he is under injustice and that parental authority is used arbitrarily and without right; this feeling harms and exhausts him.
Second condition
He must also be convinced that the punishment is beneficial to him and that it benefits and educates him so he avoids the fault, does not repeat it and it does not become a habit. Whenever he remembers the punishment he remembers that he did what was unbecoming, and that he angered God and his parents by his deed, and perhaps harmed the family’s reputation and presented an unseemly image to his siblings who may imitate him if they find his fault passed without punishment; therefore punishment, as it benefits him, also benefits others.
Third condition
Make him feel that punishment does not prevent love; that his mother’s love for him remains and she shows it by other means despite the punishment. That this love is part of the mother’s nature and she showed it to him on many occasions she reminds him of. And that God himself punished people despite His love for them.
Fourth condition
The punishment must be proportionate to what the fault deserves and to what the wrongdoer can bear. Consider the son’s sensitivity; a small child or a loving son may be shocked by punishment from his mother. Also consider a son who needs tenderness for special circumstances. Consider age and the factor of knowledge or ignorance.
Fifth condition
The punishment must be for a definite time after which it ends. There are mothers who if they become angry once, their anger is continuous and they do not know when it ends! If they quarrel, the estrangement continues endlessly! If they punish, the son does not know when his punishment ends! If they prevent him from something he does not know when the prevention ends! All this is undoubtedly wrong. For God himself, blessed be His name, it is said in the Psalm: “The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in mercy; He will not always chide, nor will He keep His anger forever.” (Psalm 103:8–9).
Sixth condition
Punishment should be a form of treatment so the mother punishes by preventing him from what harms him and distancing him from causes of fault, and this becomes a cure for him so that he also realizes it is a form of treatment and not mere punishment; for example preventing him from harmful friendships, visits that cause him sins, or preventing him from entertainments and amusements that harm him.
Seventh condition
Punishment must be on a firm basis so the son understands it represents fixed principles and values; thus the mother is not wavering—preventing him from something at one time and permitting it at another—so the son does not know the wisdom of her behavior and punishment, since she commands something and its opposite!!

Befriending the children
It is very beneficial for upbringing and family relations that the mother be a friend to her children, tied to them by elements of affection, and not merely an authority above the subordinate. In this friendship and affection there is trust and frankness.
The son can open his heart to her and speak frankly about what is within him and about his problems and spiritual battles without fearing punishment, reproach, or loss of her trust; rather he seeks counsel and guidance and there is no objection to dialogue—not in the tone of argument and pride but only to clarify and examine all points of view together.
If the son reveals to her his mistakes and problems he is certain she will keep the secret and will not reproach him for a mistake he made or punish him for it. In this he trusts that his mother is objective and not impulsive and analyzes what he tells her objectively and guides him to his duty without becoming furious, distressed, or demanding more than he can bear, or being harsh in her blame and pain. In keeping the secret it is not only keeping the tongue from speech but also keeping her features from revealing anything, and being careful in her dealings with him so he does not infer from her something she intended to hide by her silence.
Such a mother who does not act impulsively is trusted and appreciated by her son, and he can take her as a friend and guide. In his trust in her there is frankness and revealing of heart and thought on the basis of affection and love.
If only the son also trusted his mother’s intelligence, wisdom, and good management of matters; not every mother is fit to be a counselor for her sons.

Respect and esteem
Children should respect their parents; the Scripture says: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the LORD your God is giving you.” (Exodus 20:12) and “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” (Deuteronomy 5:16). The Apostle Paul commented that this is the first commandment with a promise (Ephesians 6:2–3).
A person’s respect for his mother should not be only for her family position as a mother, but better if it is also due to his appreciation of her mind and wisdom, her good counsel, and her good management and administration of family matters. She should not be like “Bathsheba,” Solomon’s mother, who came to him to make a request and he rose from his throne and bowed to her and set her at his right hand. But when she asked something he felt was against the law he did not respond, but judged the one who came to intercede and killed Adonijah. (1 Kings 2:19–25).
There is therefore a difference between respect for position and respect for qualities and personality. The wise, sensible mother is one whom her children respect for both reasons. Even if she were not their mother, their respect for her would not diminish because her personality obliges respect. Her word should be carried out not merely because she is a mother, but mainly because it is beneficial, full of wisdom and advantage.
This mother is one with talents, personality, and a manifest life; respect comes from the depth of heart and mind because she is trustworthy. Unfortunately, some mothers ask for respect and obedience in wrong positions and commands that the wise son cannot obey—such happened with Bathsheba and her son Solomon.
If such a mother is disobeyed by her son, she should not rage and reproach him saying: “Do you speak to your mother in this manner? Where is the obedience I am commanded by the Lord?” The same applies to a father who errs in his commands. The Scripture says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” (Ephesians 6:1). Yes, in the Lord—this is right. Outside the circle of the Lord He says: “Whoever loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me.” (Matthew 10:37). In the Lord every word the mother says is worthy of obedience and execution with contentment and gratitude.
The wise mother respects her children as they respect her; she does not insult them, does not reprove them without cause, does not wound their feelings, nor belittle them. She speaks to them with gentle words and regards them as grown-ups she is proud of, raises their status before all, praises their good qualities, and rejoices in their success and excellence. The child may be treated kindly and respectfully outside the home, but—unfortunately—does not find the same respect at home. He is constantly considered small no matter how grown, therefore treated at home as a child unworthy of respect, and this may produce a complex in him that searches for his respect always outside the home!
At home the child may find care but not respect. Therefore I continuously say that marriage certainly needs sound educational gifts. The mother in particular needs these educational gifts the most, because the father is often busy with his work outside the home, leaving the responsibility of raising his children to their mother.

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