The Mother’s Duty in the Family
The Duty of the Mother in the Family
On the occasion of the approaching Mother’s Day:
The duty of the mother in the family.
A woman has many duties within the family circle, which require elements that should be available so that the family may proceed in a sound manner, leading to the happiness and idealism of the family.
What then are the necessary elements for preserving the family and for the safety of the family?
The Element of Understanding
A woman in the family needs to understand the mentality of the man, his psychology, and his nature, and to deal with him in a way suitable to this understanding. Likewise, the man also should understand the psychology of the woman and her nature.
The woman also needs to understand the psychology of her children in every stage of age, and what suits each stage in the method of dealing. She should study this, or others should make her understand all these situations.
The women’s committee can issue books explaining children’s psychologies and the method of raising them, and the mistakes that may proceed from them in every stage of life, whether intentionally or unintentionally, and the method of treating those mistakes. Or the Institute of Care in our Church can issue such books or pamphlets. It is known that many educational bodies have been concerned with this subject and have issued many publications about it.
An example of this is what has been published about the shy child and how to deal with him, or about the troublesome child, the aggressive child, the selfish child, and the stubborn child, and the method of dealing with each of them.
However, this is not now the place to speak about these matters in detail.
Patience
It is also necessary for the mother to be patient and calm in her nerves, and not make her children victims of her psychological state. For her psychological state may be tired at some times because of her physical or health conditions, or because of a disagreement between her and her husband or some acquaintances. It is not permissible that her children pay the price and bear her psychological fatigue because of the disturbance of her nerves, or because she is unable to endure, or because she suffers from irritability.
The mere sight of their mother in this condition is a stumbling block for them.
What is their fault if their mother at that time is nervous, unable to bear a word from them, shouting and rebuking, and refusing understanding? Or perhaps she strikes and hurts!
Her children may also pick up this style from her in their dealings with one another, while it is assumed that she should be an example for them in everything and also a means of clarification for every virtue.
If she becomes angry, she should place limits on her anger and her manner.
So her anger should be for a spiritual reason that the children understand and from which they take a lesson, and the anger should not deviate into violence, or into the use of improper words, nor should she use beating or harshness, or threats that she cannot carry out, while the children realize her inability to carry out her threats, and thus they mock her inwardly or declare this.
The Element of Tenderness
It is assumed in the mother that she be a source of tenderness for her children, and it greatly benefits children that they be filled with the tenderness of their mothers, so that they do not deviate to seek tenderness from an external source whose safety we do not guarantee.
And the tenderness of the mother should be with wisdom.
So that it does not turn into wrong pampering that harms their upbringing, nor should the children exploit it in behaving with carelessness, since they find their mother before them satisfied with any mistake, or defending their mistakes before their father and justifying them, or covering them up so that he does not see them. Thus the son finds no one to raise him.
Tenderness also includes the element of giving what the child needs.
So the mother feels his needs and gives to him without his asking. No doubt this leaves a good effect in him, and he repays her love with love. But giving should not be mixed with extravagance and lavishness. Rather it should be within reasonable limits, so that the child does not grow up feeling that everything he asks for must be carried out, no matter whether the family’s condition allows this or not.
Cheerfulness and Its Discipline
Among the pleasant matters that children love is the atmosphere of cheerfulness in the house. The pleasant and cheerful mother wins the love of her children.
Even guests and relatives who visit the house, if they are characterized by cheerfulness, the children love them and gather around them, and are pleased by the repetition of their visits.
If the children do not find cheerfulness in the house, they will seek it outside the family circle. And we do not guarantee what kind of cheerfulness they will find, and its effect upon them. However, cheerfulness in the house should be disciplined.
So the children become accustomed that cheerfulness has limits and descriptions, and if they go beyond the moderate manner in it, they are mistaken and are not met with encouragement from anyone. Rather the mother alerts them to their excess in their cheerfulness, whether by a word, a gesture, or her dissatisfied expressions.
Therefore attention should be paid to the manner of cheerfulness, and to its means, and with whom it is? And to what extent? And they realize that they can laugh with others, not laugh at others. And they distinguish between acceptable and unacceptable humor, and how gatherings of cheerfulness should not turn into the seat of the scornful (Psalm 1), and likewise cheerfulness should not turn into uproar, nor should it be at every time or with every person, because there are times that need seriousness, and departing from seriousness at such times is blameworthy and shameful.
The Element of Wisdom
Distinguishing between times of cheerfulness and seriousness needs wisdom. And the mother’s regulation of this matter and that matter needs wisdom.
Likewise, the problems of the house and the children should be solved with wisdom.
There are matters that need from the mother serious intervention, and other matters that are better left for some time, so that the mother does not take the position of a policeman within the family circle. Matters about which she remains silent until she solves them later, and matters in which she takes a position at the same time. There are matters she solves on the level of a private session with one of the children, and other matters we speak about before everyone, so that the others may take a lesson from them and benefit, and matters that need a kind of awareness and explanation.
Wisdom also enters into the subject of punishment.
Punishment and Estrangement
Some mistakes need punishment if they are serious and intentional, while other mistakes are sufficiently addressed by mere warning, rebuke, guidance, or showing dissatisfaction with them, or warning of punishment if the mistake is repeated.
Punishment is necessary because many do not feel the seriousness of the mistake if they are not punished. Without punishment, the wrongdoer may continue in his mistake and may reach the point of carelessness and recklessness. God, blessed be His name, has punished many individuals and peoples. And He issued a severe judgment upon Eli the priest because he did not discipline his sons. Therefore the mother has the right to punish, and the father has the right to punish. Rather it is their duty to do so, because they are responsible for the upbringing of their children.
There are various kinds of punishment used by fathers and mothers.
Some of them may deprive their child of some allowance or gifts, or prevent him from some outings or some desired things or some visits that he loves, or prevent him from playing, or from some friendships. Some fathers and mothers resort in punishing their children to beating or insulting. This is undoubtedly an unspiritual method if it is connected with violence, insult, and wounding feelings, and it may bring opposite results if it is a continual method.
Some, however, may use estrangement or cutting off.
So the mother, for example, continues for a long period not speaking to her son, nor listening to him, nor answering him if he speaks to her. Or she continually ignores him. Or she annoys him during the period of her estrangement from him by treating one of his brothers with kindness, tenderness, and affection.
The cutting off or estrangement may continue and the matter appears without solution.
And if the son complains to one of the relatives or friends, she rebukes him severely and says to him: “You are disgracing us among people and spreading the family’s secrets outside!” and her estrangement from him increases.
No doubt estrangement and cutting off have their harms and dangers. They are a negative measure and not a solution to a problem. In them the son, especially if he is young, is in a helpless position, not knowing when this estrangement will end or how. Also they do not give room for understanding or dialogue, and if they continue long, the matter becomes more complicated.
It seems that this means as a punishment is suitable only if it is for minutes or hours followed by reproach.
The important thing in punishment is that it have a good result in correcting the child.
And not be merely a release of pent-up anger, or a relief for tense nerves.
The wise mother does not threaten, but rather acts wisely, combining love and firmness, and punishment and treatment.
So the purpose of punishment is treatment, not merely punishment and penalty. And with wisdom the punishment is administered, and its owner knows when it should be, and for what reason, and whether it is suitable, and to what extent.
Conditions of Punishment
1- The First Condition
That the child know that he is mistaken and deserves punishment. Therefore the situation should be clarified to him, and the type of mistake he committed and its results explained, provided that he becomes convinced of this, because if he does not realize that he has erred, he will feel that he is under injustice and that parental authority is being used in a random and unjust way, and this feeling harms and tires him.
2- He must also be convinced that punishment is beneficial for him.
And that it benefits him and raises him, so that he may stay away from the mistake and not repeat it or let it become a habit for him. Whenever he remembers the punishment, he remembers that he did what is not fitting, and that he angered God and his parents by what he did, and perhaps also harmed the reputation of the family, and presented an improper image to his brothers who may imitate him if they find that his mistake passed easily without punishment. So punishment, just as it is beneficial for him, is also beneficial for others.
3- Making him feel that punishment does not prevent love.
For his mother’s love for him remains, and she shows it toward him in other ways despite the continuation of the punishment. And that this love is part of the nature of the mother, and she has shown it toward him on many occasions which she reminds him of.
And that God Himself has punished despite His love for mankind.
4- Among the conditions of punishment is that it be according to endurance.
According to what the mistake deserves on the one hand, and according to what the wrongdoer can bear on the other hand. In this, consideration is given to the feelings of the sensitive child, the young child, and the loving child whom punishment from his mother may shock. Also consideration is given to the feelings of the child who needs tenderness because of special circumstances. Also consideration is given to the factor of age and the factor of knowledge or ignorance.
5- The punishment should be for a specific time after which it ends.
Because there are mothers who, if they become angry once, their anger continues and no one knows when it will end. And if they estrange, the estrangement continues to an extent whose end is unknown. And if they punish, the son does not know when his punishment ends. And if they prevent him from something, he does not know when this prevention ends.
All this is undoubtedly wrong. God Himself, blessed be His name, it was said about Him in the Psalm: “The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abundant in mercy. He will not always strive with us, nor will He keep His anger forever”.
6- The punishment should be a kind of treatment.
So the mother punishes him by preventing him from what harms him and keeping him away from the causes of error, and this becomes a treatment for him, so that he also realizes that this is a kind of treatment and not merely punishment; such as preventing him from harmful friendships, or from visits that cause him sins, or preventing him from luxuries and amusements that harm him.
7- It is required in punishment that it be on a fixed basis.
So that the child understands that it represents fixed principles and values, and thus the mother is not hesitant, preventing him from something at one time and permitting the same thing at another time, so that the child does not know where the wisdom in her behavior and her punishment is, as long as she commands a thing and its opposite.
Befriending the Children
It is very beneficial in upbringing and in family relations that the mother be a friend to her children, bound to them by factors of affection, and not merely the authority of the higher over the lower. In this friendship and affection there is trust and frankness.
So the child can open his heart to her and speak to her with complete frankness about what is inside him, and about his problems and spiritual wars, without fearing punishment, rebuke, or loss of her trust in him. Rather he seeks counsel and guidance, and there is no objection to dialogue, not in a spirit of argument and pride, but merely for clarification and examining all viewpoints together.
Even if the child reveals his mistakes and problems to her, he is certain that she will keep the secret and will not reproach him for a mistake into which he fell, nor punish him for it.
In this the child trusts that his mother is objective and not emotional.
And she analyzes what he says to her objectively and guides him to what is required of him without becoming angry, without becoming upset or weeping, or demanding from him more than he can bear, or becoming severe in blaming him and causing him pain.
And in keeping the secret, this is not only by keeping the tongue from speaking, but also by keeping her facial expressions from revealing anything, and by caution in her dealings with him so that he may not infer from them what she wanted to hide by her silence.
Such a mother who does not behave in an emotional way becomes the object of her son’s trust and appreciation, and he can take her as a friend and guide. And in his trust in her there is frankness and the revealing of the heart and thought on a basis of affection and love.
And would that the child also trust in the intelligence of his mother, her wisdom, and her good management of matters, for not every mother is suitable for her children to take as a guide.
Respect and Appreciation
It is assumed that children respect their fathers and mothers, for the Scripture says: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God gives you”, and “that it may be well with you upon the land which the Lord your God gives you”, The Apostle Paul commented on this commandment that it is the first commandment with promise.
A person’s respect for his mother should not merely be because of her family position as a mother, but it would be preferable if it were also because of his appreciation for her mind, her wisdom, her good counsel, and her good management and administration of the affairs of the family. And she should not be like Bathsheba, the mother of King Solomon, who came to him with a request, and he rose from his royal throne and bowed to her, and seated her on a throne at his right hand. But when she requested from him something he felt was against the law, he did not respond to her. Rather he punished the one for whom she came to intercede and said: “As the Lord lives, who has established me and set me on the throne of David my father, and who has made me a house as He promised, Adonijah shall be put to death today”.
There is therefore a difference between respect for the position and respect for the qualities and personality.
And the wise and rational mother is the mother whom her children respect for both matters together.
Even if she were not a mother, their respect for her would not diminish, for her personality requires respect. And her words should be carried out, not because they are merely the words of a mother, but even more because they are words of benefit, all wisdom and usefulness.
This is the mother who has talents and personality and an exemplary life. It is respect from the depth of the heart and mind because she is the object of trust.
However, some mothers unfortunately demand respect and obedience in wrong situations and commands that the wise son cannot obey, as happened with Bathsheba and her wise son Solomon. And if it happens that such a mother is opposed by her son, she becomes angry with him and rebukes him, saying: “Is this the way you speak to your mother? And where is the obedience that the Lord commanded you?” The same situation applies to the father who errs in his commands. Thus the Scripture says: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right”.
Yes, in the Lord, for this is right. But outside the circle of the Lord, the Lord Himself says: “He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me.” But in the Lord every word the mother says becomes the object of obedience, the object of respect, and the object of execution, with satisfaction and thanksgiving.
And the wise mother also respects her children as they respect her.
She does not insult them, nor rebuke them without a reason deserving rebuke, nor wound their feelings, nor belittle them. Rather she speaks to them with gentle words, and they are in her eyes grown and she is proud of them, and she raises their esteem before everyone, and praises the good qualities in them, and rejoices in their success and excellence.
The son is treated outside his house with good treatment and respect, but unfortunately he does not find within his house the same respect that he finds outside. For in their eyes he remains small no matter how much he grows, therefore they treat him in the house as a small one who does not deserve respect. Thus the son may grow up psychologically troubled, always searching for his respect outside his house.
But in the house the son may find care, but not respect.
Therefore I continually say that marriage certainly needs educational talents because it produces children who need sound upbringing.
And the mother in particular needs these educational talents even more, because the father is often occupied with his work outside the house, leaving the responsibility of raising his children to their mother.
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