Conditions and Formation of a Happy Family
Marriage is not merely a social or emotional relationship between a man and a woman; it is also a responsibility. It is the formation of a family and the care of children who are to be raised in the fear of God and brought up with good morals, to build a righteous society and a strong nation. Thus, it is a trust placed in the hands of husbands and wives to prepare the coming generation. Therefore, the age of marriage should be the age of maturity—not only sexual maturity, but also intellectual and social maturity, and the age of being able to bear responsibilities. The engaged couple will become parents responsible for raising children, so they must be mature enough to handle that responsibility. They will also have social, family, and financial duties, requiring knowledge of how to manage them.
Maturity helps in making the right choice before marriage, in maintaining a peaceful and stable married life, and in overcoming problems that may arise. It enables each spouse to handle their responsibilities independently, without constantly consulting their parents or being directed by them—something that can often cause family disputes due to interference from in-laws. Marrying too young exposes a couple to instability, impulsiveness, and immature behavior, leading to frequent marital disagreements. Youth is a stage that needs care, not one suited for heavy responsibilities, managing a family with parental wisdom, or understanding the new life and relationships with children, relatives, and neighbors.
An ideal family should be built on harmony. As some say, marriage is a half searching for its other half. Since husband and wife live together in one home and share a lifelong journey, harmony between them must be complete. They are like two horses pulling the same carriage—this is only possible if they move in the same direction, at the same pace, and with equal strength. They walk together, stop together, and aim for the same goal, with neither dominating the other. As the old saying goes: “Companionship requires agreement.”
There must be harmony in religious understanding, in thought, principles, traditions, and lifestyle. How can two people share one life if such harmony does not exist? How can they function in society—or even within their family—if each follows a separate path and way of thinking? Differences between spouses also affect the children, who may become confused about which example to follow when they see contradictions in their parents’ lives. There must also be harmony in temperament: how can a very serious person live with someone overly cheerful? Or a very precise person with one who is overly lenient and careless? How can two live together if one is calm and quiet while the other is loud and talkative? Ideally, the two should become one as much as possible.
Now, let us consider the parents’ role in their son’s or daughter’s engagement. The parents’ role is to offer advice and guidance—it should not extend to imposition or coercion. They have the right to reject a suitor they find unsuitable, but not to impose one. Even in rejection, it must be based on sound reasoning and valid concerns. Parents should not provoke or pressure their children lest they fail in their future marriages.
Some parents impose a fiancé or fiancée through authority, emotional manipulation, or threats of illness and distress—pressuring their child to agree for the sake of a parent’s health (for example, saying “Your father will fall ill” or “Your mother will collapse if you refuse”). Others may pressure their daughter by questioning her morals (“Your refusal means you love someone else”), or through constant insistence, rejecting other offers, or imposing a relative, a friend, or a wealthy or high-status person.
Parents must remember they are not choosing what suits themselves, but what suits their son or daughter. Marriage is the life of those who marry—not of the parents who choose. Any form of coercion cannot produce a successful marriage. A successful marriage is one built on harmony, mutual consent, and love.
The engaged couple should understand that the engagement period is a time for acquaintance, affection, friendship, and preparation for marriage. Some misunderstand this preparation as merely material—buying furniture, preparing a house, clothing, or financial arrangements—while neglecting the essential element: harmony. True preparation for marriage during engagement is preparing both partners to become one in thought, one in heart, and one in direction. This can only happen if, during engagement, each comes to know and understand the other deeply, ensuring compatibility in character. Each fiancé must remain observant, wise, and aware of the importance of truly knowing the person they will spend life with.
Engagement is not a time for pretending to be perfect—acting in a false image that quickly collapses after marriage, revealing deception and causing the marriage to crumble. Nor is engagement a time for shallow emotions that distract from truly knowing one another. These emotions must have boundaries and not go beyond what is proper. A fiancée who allows her fiancé to take liberties that are not permissible may later find that he loses trust in her chastity after marriage, which can lead to the engagement being broken off. Therefore, she must be extremely careful and understand the great difference between love and lust.
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