Raising Children Between Friendship and Punishment
The relationship between parents and children should be built on two main pillars: love and wisdom. Love includes tenderness, care, and giving, while wisdom includes sound understanding in practicing every aspect of dealing with children.
We advise that the upbringing of children should begin with a relationship of friendship between parents and their children, so that feelings of affection, rather than authority of the superior over the inferior, connect them.
In this friendship and affection, there is trust and openness. The child can open his heart to his parents and speak frankly about what is inside him, revealing his problems and spiritual struggles without fear of punishment, rebuke, or loss of trust. Rather, he seeks counsel and guidance, and there is no harm in dialogue—not in a spirit of argument or pride—but for clarification and exploring all points of view together.
When the child confesses his mistakes, he trusts that his parents will not reproach him for them or change their treatment of him because of them.
Through this openness and in the atmosphere of friendship and affection, the child trusts that his parents are objective and not emotional. They listen calmly to everything he says about his mistakes and problems without anger, distress, or harsh blame, but instead guide him convincingly. With such treatment, the child can be persuaded by his parents’ love and wisdom, hiding nothing from them and taking them as his guides.
However, this atmosphere of friendship between parents and children does not cancel the respect children must have for their parents, whether from a religious perspective—which commands honoring and obeying one’s parents—or from a practical perspective, out of trust in their wisdom, love, and sound guidance.
Despite all that has been said about friendship and affection between parents and children, we must also say that some mistakes made by children require punishment if they are serious or intentional, while other mistakes may only need a warning, a rebuke, an expression of disapproval, guidance, or a warning of punishment if the mistake is repeated.
Punishment is sometimes necessary because many do not realize the gravity of their mistakes unless they are punished. Without punishment, the wrongdoer may continue in his mistakes and reach the point of carelessness and indifference. God, blessed be His name, despite His mercy and love for humankind, punished many—nations and individuals—and warned of punishments.
There are different kinds of punishment that parents may use. Some may deprive their child of part of his allowance, gifts, certain entertainments, treats, or visits he loves, or prevent him from playing or seeing certain friends.
However, some parents resort to violent or hurtful punishment, such as beating or insulting. This is undoubtedly an unspiritual method and may lead to opposite results if it becomes a constant practice.
Others may use the method of avoidance or ignoring as punishment. For example, a mother may stop speaking to her child for a long period, not listening to him, not responding when he speaks to her, and continually ignoring him, while at the same time treating his siblings kindly to provoke him. The estrangement may last long, and the issue seems unsolved!
Undoubtedly, avoidance or ignoring has its harms—it is a negative act and not a solution. The child, especially if young, becomes helpless, not knowing when or how the estrangement will end. It leaves no room for understanding or dialogue, and if prolonged, the matter becomes more complicated. Such a method of punishment is not suitable except for a few minutes or hours, followed by gentle reproach.
The important thing about punishment is that it should have a good result in correcting the child, not be a mere outlet for suppressed anger or relief for tense nerves.
Wise parents do not threaten but act with wisdom, combining love and firmness, punishment and healing. Punishment should aim at correction, not mere retribution. With wisdom, they should know the reason for the punishment, whether it will be effective, and to what extent.
Punishment has conditions. The first is that the child must understand that he has done wrong and deserves the punishment. Therefore, the situation should be explained to him, clarifying the nature of the mistake and its consequences, so that he becomes convinced. If he does not realize his mistake, he will feel unjustly treated, believing his parents’ authority is used randomly and unfairly. This feeling harms and distresses him.
He must also be convinced that the punishment benefits his upbringing and should remember that he did something inappropriate—perhaps harming the family’s reputation or setting a bad example for his siblings who might imitate him if he is not punished—while making him feel that punishment does not conflict with his parents’ love for him.
Another condition for punishment is that it must be within reasonable limits—according to the seriousness of the mistake on one hand and according to what the child can bear on the other. The child’s sensitive feelings, age, and special circumstances should be considered, as well as the factor of ignorance sometimes.
Punishment should be for a limited time and end afterward. Some parents, when angry at their children, stay angry indefinitely, and if they deprive the child of something, the child never knows when the deprivation will end. This is certainly wrong, for even God Himself punished and then forgave.
Punishment should also be based on consistent principles and values. A child should not be punished for something he is expected to avoid, then later be allowed to do that very thing! Thus, he would fail to understand the wisdom behind permission and prohibition.
Another condition for punishment is that it must serve as a means of healing and lead to correction. The child must understand through it that he himself is not the object of anger—the anger is toward the mistake.
Article by His Holiness Pope Shenouda III, published in Al-Ahram newspaper on November 2, 2008.
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